Right now I am sitting in a North Shore Hotel Room. Lake Superior is staring at me through the window as if it is the whole world, as if I am floating in it. Its beautiful. It is August. I really love this month, I’ve decided. It’s a month in which things that are slow become slower before everything begins moving faster. And the air turns into something warm enough for comfort, but refreshing enough to make you wear jeans instead of shorts.
I am really enjoying my husband right now. I am really enjoying learning this week at the Campus Outreach Staff Retreat. Time with older, wiser people has been so nourishing, eye-opening, and heart-awakening. My favorite part has been devotions because people have made themselves very vulnerable, transparent and real. During devotions, staff have shared about insecurities, sinful tendencies, and how God is finding them in the midst of it all.
Campus Outreach Minneapolis Staff Team
I have been going through a lot of spiritual ups and downs- for example- the other morning, Nick and I woke up, and he wanted to journal and read the bible. My first reaction was anger. The truth is that our marriage is going to better if Nick (and me) make time for God like this. So why did I feel angry at such a peaceful attempt to start the day? Because… I feared… he loved something MORE than…me! The truth is- He DOES (and should!) love something more than me- His creator, His King, His Shepard, His source of strength. I was selfishly upset at the thought of my husband starting off his day with God rather than gazing into my eyes all googly and newly-marriedly- like. Trust me- we do plenty of this as newly-weds, so skipping this routine, which usually takes place during the groggy moments of pressing our snooze button, would really be alright. I could have joined him in pursuit of the Lord that morning, but somehow I thought throwing a pity party was a better idea.
So I am seeing in myself a strong pull towards spiritual rebellion. Meaning- I don’t want God in the midst of my dissatisfaction. My desires become so twisted from what I really need. When I’m dissatisfied with temporary circumstances (i.e. marriage, friendships, my body, how I “feel,” etc.- I just want to burn in anger at these people or things that don’t completely satisfy or make me happy. I can turn to God or boil in anger.
I boil in anger probably a little longer than I should before my heart melts and runs into God’s arms confessing that I’m not satisfied again. God is so patient- I am amazed! He knows I run to temporary things- like my husband, friends, comfort, physical pleasure, food, etc.- and each time I come running back to Him saying that one of these things has not satisfied me completely, he doesn’t laugh or refuse to love me. He presses on in showing me His love.
So…as I pouted over to devotions on this first day of staff training, we walked in to listen to my friend share her struggles in marriage and how the Lord is revealing more of Himself to her through it. As my anger boiled, I began to listen to. Her story was touching, but my spiritual rebellion was firing up in me. I looked around the room and thought… I just want to leave… because I know if someone asks me how I’m doing… I’m going to cry… I don’t want to be real… I don’t want to be honest… its uncomfortable to share my weaknesses… and the rebellion continued. As I sat with my head buried in my arms to hide my surfacing tears, the rebellion began to melt amidst my strong hatred for all avenues of truth and love… So Jesus won me when I heard the words…“Broken I come to you, for I know you satisfy…As I wait for you, as I wait for you, I’m falling on my knees, offering all of me… Jesus you’re all my heart is living for…” Just that simple verse and a little acoustic guitar exploded in me a desire for the Lord. My tears soaked into my sweatshirt as I thirsted for the Lord.
The Lord is revealing to me how he is gently trying to change me. I see how he loves me- how he wants to help me find happier, more peaceful ways of dealing with dissatisfaction and weaknesses. I am reading “The True Woman” By Susan Hunt. I have been reading about what a true woman of God is, how she defines herself, how she finds joy, and what she hopes in. It lays out two ways of reacting to life. I’ll do my best to paraphrase her beautiful words. As women, we can react to our sin, our shortcomings, or situations that have hurt us and made us bitter 1)selfishly or 2) redemptively. Don’t worry. There’s plenty of grace for selfishness. I’ve decided being selfish is an unavoidable sin. But, its sin, nevertheless, and it can and is forgiven. So we can admit it without shame and walk on in the hope of being changed.
How do we reflect redemption? Susan Hunt s says, “A true reflection demands the hard stuff of repentance, faith, obedience, and forgiveness. These are not one-time events; they are a life-long process. To reflect redemption, the true woman must grab the promises of God and integrate them into every aspect of her life. “
The bible could not make it more clear that, as humans, we are going to endure suffering and hardship in this life. Most of us young women have hardly tapped the surface of what it means to walk through deep life trials, save for relationship messes and trying to juggle a massive amount of activities at once in college. My heart wants to believe I’ve gone through the lowest of life’s valleys, but my mind is convincing me that I haven’t yet. So now my spiritual rebellion has turned into spiritual thirst- I am so thirsty to be prepared with truth in my heart to fight to react redemptively to bad or hard situations.
Susan Hunt says it better when talking about a Christian woman facing hard trials… “Because she has been redeemed, she is free from bondage to a self-centered perspective of her place of weeping. Because she has pilgrim perspective (meaning because she understands that she is on a pilgrimage towards heaven and sees this life as part of getting there), she sees the dry places redemptively, and she reacts to them redemptively. She turns her dry places into an oasis where God’s grace rushes in, and she delights in obeying the Lord. Each dry place has the potential to make the pilgrim even stronger until at last her quest is over and she reaches the celestial city (heaven).”
I am a slave to a self-centered perspective, but I PRAISE THE LORD that he is opening my eyes to a whole new way to live and react to life! I am so radically changed in my heart and mind when I read Galations 2:20, which says, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
This verse removes all focus from self and is SO RADICALLY DIFFERENT from my self-centered perspective of despair! That’s why I have to “caps lock” some of my words and use exclamation marks! Because I don’t have to live my life in the circling pool of self-beating up and self-disappointment. This verse actually REMOVES all components of me and REPLACES me with Jesus Christ, now that I am a Christian. So when I stand before God, Jesus is standing in my place- his beauty and perfect obedience of God’s laws have been given to me amidst the fact that I have broken all of God’s laws, if not in deed, in thought. This removal of self is so refreshing, so satisfying. My hope and faith are now trusting in God- that he has really done it. He has really removed all of my sin. The reason I believe this is because I have searched and searched for something to hope in- for something to justify me- and this is it. This is what I can hope in- the death and life of Jesus. This hope is now changing me daily.
As you can see, my faith truly is a roller coaster in this life. It is so jumbled and tossed by circumstances and emotions. I have been so tired of the self-centered perspective, so I am radically awakened. I am so hopeful that God could make me a woman who thinks, lives, and reacts redemptively! But I still need help. I still need God’s word and authors like Susan Hunt. She leaves me today with three key points to being a true woman of God- bear in mind, they have nothing to do with how well we are doing or what we are doing, but everything to do with who God is and what He does for us…
1. We are His people- this is our identity.
2. He lives among us- this is our joy.
3. His words are trustworthy and true- this is our assurance.
wow, you are a cutie
Katie, my heart goes out to you! I know how hard it is when you react sinfully to something so small and stupid (and in reality, something that is beneficial!) that your husband does. I went through a many-month period in our marriage where my heart was just really hard toward Travis and the Lord. It is a journey and Susan Hunt definitely has it right–if we aren’t looking to God for satisfaction and seeing the dry times as redemptive, we will experience so many disappointments in our lives on earth. It is such a long, learning process but it does get easier!! Thanks for sharing!