Friday Night Blues

Why is it that I can be having a great day and then within one second, my entire world falls apart? Here I am, in the aftermath of that second. In fact, whatever took place in that second is now ruining my entire night. Let me tell you how ridiculous I am.

So, all day, I have basically been a housewife. I’ve been doing laundry and cleaning and cooking. You know what I’m talking about. Fridays are my day off of work, so I basically take care of everything around the house on these days. There have been a few times when I’ve attempted to do all of these things and then some, in hopes to superly-duperly impress my incredibly organized, efficient, and structured husband. Previous to marriage, you would usually find me playing guitar, possibly wasting time, putting things off, and finding something creative and random to focus my attention on. So… I really like it when I can show that I do have it in me to be organized.

So, today, I went to his first racquetball game (and even video taped!), but I had to come home to finish our laundry since we live in an apartment and our laundry could get booted and we could get hated if we don’t get in and out of there fast, so I walked all the way back home and carried on with my housewifey duties.

Now, there have been previous Fridays in which Nick has come home from work and these tasks have been either in progress or not completed quite like I made it out to sound like, so he has been frustrated at times because he likes things organized and he likes it when people do what they say they are going to do. This is a great quality about Nick and makes him so great at what he does in his life, but it, at times, leaves me feeling really anxious about getting things done so that he feels our home is an organized and comfortable place to live. And, being newly married, I tend to put way too much emphasis and over-exaggeration into these mundane tasks. Rather than just being ok with the fact that I don’t do this perfectly at times, I run in the other direction saying, “Just watch! I will make this the best most organized place on this earth! Hmph!” or something bratty and ridiculous like that.

So this afternoon, while he was crushing his opponents in racquetball, I was putting all the laundry away, cleaning up all of the messes, organizing closets, and I prepared his dinner on the table so that he could have it when he got home (I assure you- I don’t do this every day! Usually, we just wing dinner and eat it together. I’m not typically the type to have our house all perfect-y when he arrives home). But this time, I was going to make it a treat for him, and I was sooooooooo excited!

Then, I get a call he’s moving on to finals in the tournament and that he got in touch with a student he is going to hang out with, so he tells me that he wont be coming home but he’s just going to go straight to the student event (which we were planning on going to together). On any given day, I could react like this: “Ok babe! Sounds great, see you there in about an hour!” But not today.

I reacted how I felt: crushed. I was putting so much hope into greeting him at the door and showering him with wifely affection and love and so looking forward to him getting home and feeling stress free. In my feeling crushed-ness, I began to make Nick my opponent. “Why didn’t you tell me you were meeting a student? I thought you were going to come home first! I had dinner all ready for you and I finally did everything I said I would!” I allowed myself to over-react to him just before his final rounds. Probably not the most loving thing for me to do, right? Well, I did it anyway. If he was going to let me down, then I was going to get even and angry.

Then, I started a really immature text message battle- you know, like I was back in the seventh grade again. And honestly, I have never began a snotty text message war with Nick- ever! But tonight I wanted to act 13. I texted with a lot of force the words, “I am staying home and I hope you have fun.” Then, I sent another just to make him mad, “I am really pissed.” And I kept going. “I had everything all ready for you and you’re just blowing me off!” My text messaging did nothing helpful, and currently I am planted on our white chair in our lonely apartment with candles still lit from being excited for hubby to come home, sulking and feeling really upset. But there is something in me that feels really selfish right now and not gracious towards my husband at all.

So, in one second a great day has turned into a crappy day. And, I know I’m guilty. I know that I am just self-pitying and deciding that this night is ruined. But, I am also realizing how insecure I am. I am not trusting in Christ for my identity, but I am putting my hope in two things: How college ministry is going and how much I can please my husband. Its like I think that these are the only two things that make up my self worth sometimes.

The truth of beginning college ministry is that it takes time for relationships to develop with students. If I don’t show up to an event with a new student, then my identity will feel less valuable because this is my job- to bring new students. Granted there are plenty of students going that I already know, but there is something special about bringing a new student. Bringing someone new into such a great world of friends and love is probably one of the greatest highs one could experience- watching someone who may not have found friends yet or may not believe in God experience God’s people and awesome friendships for the first time is what college ministry is all about! And I just feel crappy sometimes if I can’t bring someone new. I seek to live missionally- I don’t want the gospel just to change my life- but I want it to bring girls the same joy and freedoms I have experienced because of it. Wouldn’t it be great if I could put my hope in Christ and trust in Him, no matter my failures or successes- and even more- Nick’s failures and successes? If my ultimate hope was in a perfect God instead of imperfect people, I could react to my expectations not being met in such a flexible and forgiving way.

But here I am, stuck in the mud. I don’t have a student to bring tonight and I’m upset with Nick, so I don’t want to go to the annual “root-beer pong” tournament we have planned. I know, it sounds nerdy and its not the typical beer pong most people play, but it is a great time anyway. However, I suck at it since I lost nearly all rounds of real beer pong in college, so why go anyway? Except I really do like root-beer. But I’m mad. My expectation didn’t get met, and I’m moping around because of it.

I know I am being changed daily to be more like Christ, but it seems such a slow process. Marriage has been going so great lately, and then I have to declare it Friday Fight Night when I could have rolled with the punches , moved on, and greeted Nick at the student event all smiles.

But I’m selfish and putting my worth in all the wrong places.

My moral dilemma: If I’ve been radically forgiven by Christ for all of my short-comings and for all of the sin in my life, shouldn’t I freely give grace to those around me, especially my husband? AND- he didn’t even do anything intentionally wrong, so shouldn’t I forgive and forget?

Help.