Stuck, but Hopeful

I’m not so sure my blog will be exploding over spring break due to the huge wall between my blog and me (no, we don’t have a relationship… or do we?) Anywho…  I’m not sure what the wall is, exactly.   I know that life has been really busy and full.  Without written processing, a chasm grows between my mind and what is going on at the root of my heart.

Do you ever sit back and take a good candid shot of your mind?  If you could make your mind into a pie-graph, what sections would there be floating around in there?  In other words, what consumes your thoughts?  What consumes most of your thoughts, half of your thoughts, a small portion of your thoughts?  That’s what I am examining today.  What am I consumed with thinking about?

Its funny that I feel such a burden to search myself and unravel the deep and hidden roots of anxiety and unbelief in my heart when I have a savior who searches me and knows me.  It is He who searches me, not I who searches myself.  Yet, there is a need to process who I am and what I am learning.   And I don’t know where to start but to confess the candid shot of my mind.

So one of my favorite things to do when I am cleaning around the house or ironing on a day off is to look up new Christian artists on myspace.  I pride myself in listening to undiscovered artists who are unbelievably talented.  I love listening to music.  If there is a sound that ministers to me more than any other, it is a clear pitched unique voice, soft piano and acoustic guitar.

Yesterday, I listened to my new favorite singer/artist, Audrey Assad.  Then, like the myspace-music-pro that I am, I clicked and clicked and clicked on dozens of artists advertized on various Myspace pages.  At first, the songs ministered to me.  The lyrics met my soul.  I was loving it.

Then, my mind took a turn down a lost and dark path.  I guess that’s what we artists do.  We feel really happy and energized and then we also experience deep sorrow, confusion, and darkness.  Ask any singer, musician, painter, or songwriter- its just the way that we operate.  And I don’t think it’s a long shot to say that’s how a lot of people, artist-or-not, operate.  So, I stared at my two guitars, piano, and recording equipment.  I stared at half-songs I’ve written.  The wind  through the window blew all of my sheets of half-attempted music off of my music stand.  I thought about my life.  What am I doing?  Who am I?  What am I suppose to be doing with what God has given to me?  I have a fear of wasting God’s talents.

I began wishing I had a myspace page with really great songs.  I began wishing I had this awesome music ministry that keeps me really busy.  I imagined my life recording and writing, traveling the world.   I imagined using the sales to give to organizations I am passionate about.  I even imagined having really cool pictures of myself that captured the essence of my artistry (which I know is completely vain and self-glorifying- which is why I’m thankful for a savior from this selfishness). But don’t we get sucked into dreaming sometimes?  Sucked into wanting a different life?  Or a different job?  A different image?

I don’t think my dream or imagination is entirely unrealistic considering that I come from a large family of singers/songwriters who sing and play music loudly at every family event.  I have recorded very informally about 4-5 songs in the past few years, but musically I often feel stuck.  I sing at church, I’ve sung for weddings, I have helped lead worship at retreats, I sang my life away all throughout high school… but what is it that I really want?  Fame?  A more exciting life?  Adventure?  A larger creative outlet in my life?  The better question is what is it that God really wants?

Since I’m mostly consumed with what I want, let me tell you.  As I listened and investigated all of these new artists, I began to think about my life and wish that it were more exciting.  I wished that I could be a good songwriter.  That the words I write and songs I write would minister to other people.  But as I listened to these amazing songs, I felt… so small.  So ungifted.  So ordinary.  So unpoetic.  So stuck.

I don’t want a job that sucks all the life out of me so that there’s no room or time for these other exceeding passions of mine.  I want an exciting, changing, somewhat unstructured, yet productive job.  A job with seasons.  Music seems to have seasons.  Seasons to write.  Seasons to create.  Seasons to play.  Seasons to record.  Seasons to rest.

The truth of my life is that I am working in a deeply suffering, yet hope-filled atmosphere on a daily basis.  My job consists of meeting immediate needs of children experiencing very difficult lives.  My nights consist of making dinner, working out, making my lunch for the next day, hanging out with Nick or a friend, and going to bed early so I can be refreshed for the next day of 8-5 operation kindergarten.  I never feel bored, just tired and rushed.  And I really do LOVE my teaching job.  I can’t tell you how good God has been to me through it and how much he has taught me and changed me because of it.  I PRAISE Him for this merciful job!  He has awakened me to so much more suffering in the world and challenged me in ways that have really strengthened me spiritually.

While I love teaching, it doesn’t leave room for much else, though holiday breaks are a large perk!  Most of the time, I don’t have time or energy to practice music, write as frequently, or mentor college women to the capacity that I feel my desire is for.  But if God is calling me to teach and to give some of these things up so that He may use me at a greater capacity at this school, then I want to joyfully surrender to this wonderful blessing!  What I’m not sure of is if He has created me for something different than teaching.  I’m convinced that this season is one of waiting for Him to bring in clarity and affirmation over what He has in store for my life.

Spring break has been miraculous for me because I have been spending so much time with college women, and I feel so rejuvenated and refreshed doing college ministry!  Its not that it’s easy, because I assure you its not.  My whole first semester felt like stamping a big L on my forehead while experiencing deep rejection and endless unreturned phone calls.  But this week was sweet fellowship with some women who are going through life with God as their savior, and its so life-giving to me to see how he is moving in their lives!

I was so hungry to get time with some of these women that I have completely neglected my goals to practice and write music and to blog.  So here I am today, feeling like a useless musician and blogger.  I know that’s not believing the truth, but today I just don’t know the capacity I am called to use music in my life.   I wish I could say that somewhere in my passions of children, college women, music, and writing I could pick one.  I wish that God could post a bill-board outside my window that broadcasted what I’m suppose to do forever and ever.

But this is a season of waiting, trial, and patience.   Its sort of a season of everything, which in a way is very cool.  Its just that feeling of being spread-thin and not that effective at everything, but slightly ok at a lot of things.  I feel stuck.

So the snap-shot of my mind seems to be, on this day, consumed with longing, for what- I don’t know.  What I can’t distinguish between is selfish ambition and God-breathed dreaming… where do I stop listening to the lies in my mind and begin hearing the living God and pulsing to His dreams for my life?

So, I guess that’s my unorganized, unplanned, candid blog entry for ya’ll today.  I don’t mean to be a downer because I have been experiencing so much joy and daily purposes, but there are days when I just don’t really understand my own specific purpose.  As I type, I feel convicted of not believing God can use me or that God has plans for me.  I pray God would change this.  He is so faithful!

Pray with me if you feel stuck that…
1.    God will give us His heart and His mind for our short lives on earth.
2.    God would give us hearts of faith and freedom, not of fear and bondage to the world.
3.    God would redeem our self-centered ambitions and use what He’s given us for His kingdom!

Stuck, but hopeful,
Katie