My Baptism

My goal is for this not to sound snooty, self-exaulting, opinionated, arrogant or offensive… I hope it actually sounds the opposite. This is just one story. One journey. One life. So I want to humbly share some changes that I feel God has convinced me of in my heart.

A lot has changed for me, spiritually, in the past six years. After taking some classes, investigating what Jesus says, and praying for four years about being baptized by immersion, I felt led by God to be baptized since becoming a true believer in Christ in college.

The biggest paradigm shift that I’ve had is that the bible can be trusted as the Word of God. This doesn’t mean that I take the bible literally for every word, but it means that after reading its messages in the context of who wrote them, who they were writing to, and why they wrote the things they wrote, I can trust it to be the Word of God and a message that should not be changed or added to.

Paul, Silvas, and Timothy wrote a letter to fellow believers in Christ in Thessolonica. Among other things, they praised the Thessalonians: “And we also thank God constantly for this, that when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as the word of men but as what it really is, the word of God, which is at work in you believers. ” (1 Thess 2:13)

So, as I’ve searched the Word and the contexts that portray how, when, and why baptism takes place, I felt the Lord putting it on my heart to be baptized.

It was really a vulnerable experience wearing a funny robe barefoot and standing in front of friends and family members sharing the work Christ has done in my life. Yet, it was so sweet and humbling to stand there and be laid bare, open in front of people in my life, exposed and real, and literally dripping wet from head to toe.

Baptism through immersion was so significant in my understanding of what happens to our bodies and souls when we believe in Jesus.

Galations 2:20 says “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. The life I now live I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Baptism represents exactly that- that it is no longer I living, but Christ living in me.

The significance of going all the way under water in baptism by immersion represents death, which we deserve because of our sin, and coming out of the water represents life, which is given to us because of God’s mercy and pardoning of our sin through the work of Christ. It was really amazing to experience a glimpse of what it will be like when God raises us from the dead like Jesus, what it will be like to be made new, holy and perfect, like God.

Coming out of the water did not mean that at that moment, I was filled with the Holy Spirit for the first time. The Holy Spirit has already baptized my heart, so coming out of the water was an expression of the inward work He has already done in my heart. This is one of my favorite ways of how God works- that we don’t need to go through rituals or follow any rules to receive His grace and mercy in our hearts.

Salvation is something outside of our human control. The Holy Spirit can enter a heart at any time that God chooses to awaken it. I love that we cannot control salvation- that it is an act of mercy from God that acts independently of our own knowledge or understanding.

Mark 1:4- 8 says…. “John appeared, baptizing in the wilderness and proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. And all the country of Judea and all Jerusalem were going out to him and were being baptized by him in the river Jordan, confessing their sins. Now John was clothed with camel’s hair and wore a leather belt around his waist and ate locusts and wild honey. And he preached, saying, “After me comes he who is mightier than I, the strap of whose sandals I am not worthy to stoop down and untie. I have baptized you with water, but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.”

In the bible, repentance had to precede baptism, and I have come to believe through observing the bible that baptism was not the means by which sins were forgiven but rather was a sign indicating that one had truly repented. And, apart from being baptized with water, Christ baptizes us with the Holy Spirit in our hearts.

I don’t think Christ would love me less if I had not gotten baptized because the true baptism in my life took place when He came into my heart. This happened after I genuinely repented to Him, which I believe to be somewhere in my junior year of college. But I am not the ultimate judge of when God got a hold of my heart, He is. So I cannot say exactly when He made a place to dwell in my soul, but I don’t think I ever experienced His peace or what it meant to surrender and trust in Christ until a few years ago. I needed Christ to be something FOR me, and that was something I did not understand previous to college. I perhaps understood intellectually, but not in my heart.

My decision to be baptized was not out of youthful zeal or jumping on board with a popular spiritual bandwagon. Actually, coming from my background it seems rather unpopular or strange. Yet, I am filled with joy and peace to be baptized now that God has truly regenerated my heart! It brings me so much joy to share what an amazing savior He is. If every person I knew could experience the great freedom and joy of knowing Christ, the great help of his Holy Spirit momentarily- I would be constantly rejoicing for them- because Christ completely lifts all of our burdens and restores our brokenness. He allows us to lived unashamed and forgiven- guilt free.

After being baptized, I can see that God knows what He is doing and it is a beautiful and humbling experience to stand as a grown adult and acknowledge that I am a sinner in need of Jesus Christ. My age has nothing to do with my understanding of Jesus- and life experience does not mean I know everything about God. There was a man in his forties who was baptized, and how humbling for him to be laid bare even as a mature adult. This is the authentic work of the Holy Spirit- it comes into each believer’s life at the exact time and way in which God ordains it, independent of our age or former knowledge.

There were about 25 people, friends, family, and fellow church members who came to support me. Other candidates also had many people there to support them. As I stood on the alter dripping and wrapped in a towel over my robe, the people who came to support me all came up to the alter and circled around me (which I was glad for because I was freezing!). They laid their hands on me and prayed, thanked God for me, asked God to help me and to be with me. I cannot describe what this felt like. To feel so many hands embracing me, to hear the joy of fellow believers praise God for His act of mercy in my life, to feel so embraced as a sister in Christ. I realize more and more how important this community of people is in my life. They are the people who I call upon for help and accountability in my life, and to have them there praying was truly humbling. To know that my relationship with God is sustained by a team of people, who remind me of the truth and encourage me, is so uplifting. I am not alone because God has provided His people to walk through this life with me.

I am convinced that God is concerned about the purposes of our hearts much more than our outward religious appearances, which scared me when I was 21 because I knew that the purposes of my heart at their core were jealousy, anger, pride, covetousness, slander, bitterness, and selfish ambition… I knew that most of my actions were motivated by these things. If I’m honest, even my “good” actions were motivated by pride, jealousy, or to gain more spiritual status. So, I took a risk as I prayed to the Lord. I admitted that I was sinful and that I need God to change me.

My journal in August 2006 reads…

God, I Pray…

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139: 23-24)”

And wow is that NOT a small prayer! The Holy Spirit came into my heart at this time in my life in a different way than ever before. He found me when I was journaling, in class, working out, listening to music, reading books and the bible, walking down the street, in the car- I could feel Him guiding me and changing my perceptions of who He was everywhere- it was truly the first time that my life did not feel compartmentalized. I was free to experience God’s grace in my daily life because He drew near to me.

What was significantly different about when I prayed Psalm 139 was that I was actively asking the Lord to help me and to help me fight the sin in my life. Before that, I didn’t care that I was disobedient. I was apathetic. I knew I was breaking God’s commandments, but I didn’t care. I began to care when I was twenty- one. I began to see that I want to learn to love God and to love his ways, but I needed help. It was the first time I wanted to fight sin. Jesus says to his disciples in John 14:15-17 says, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you. He goes on to tell the disciples that He will still be with them after His death in John 14:26, “But the a Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.” Jesus is the Holy Spirit, and He is alive in the hearts of believers. Its amazing that we don’t have to perform a ritual or be anywhere other than in the presence of God- and this can take place anywhere throughout our days.

In my observation of God’s idea of the Holy Spirit is that it is God, but not in visible form. In God’s wisdom, He chose to communicate with our hearts rather than with our eyes, until He comes back or until we meet Him face to face.

The Holy Spirit is…
* the one who helps
* the person who is truthful
* the person who never leaves believers
* the person who dwells in us
* the one who teaches us things
* the one who brings things of Christ to mind
* the one who bears witness of Jesus, allowing us to do the same
* the one who is coming for our advantage
* the one who convicts of sin, righteousness and judgment
* the one who guides us into truth
* the one who magnifies Jesus

He has helped me tremendously since I have begun to trust in Him. Before that, I use to depend on myself because I thought I was a righteous person, a rule follower, and a good person. But, slowly, in college, I realized my weaknesses and that I have no real strength at all. This is what led me to ask the Lord for His help, and He really gave it to me!

He has conquered the passions of my former flesh, the idolatry of my body image, my obession with pleasing people, and he has helped me understand what the gospel truly means! It means that my life is no longer about my performance, but about what God has performed for me and what He will continue to perform through my life. I no longer measure myself based upon standards because Christ is the standard- He was the perfect one. I am not. And I am no longer a slave to what people think of me or even to what I think of me. The peace of Christ rests in me and has made the approval and opinions of people in my life of very small importance. I trust this is what happens when we are trusting in Jesus to stand in our place to remove the judgment of wrath that we deserve. We can trust that His death on the cross was enough, so we no longer have to judge ourselves. The Apostle Paul did not value the opinion or criticism of others or even himself because He was so secure in the promises of God. He said in his letter to the Corinthians in chapter 4:3-5… “But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God.”

I realize that there are a lot of differing beliefs about salvation and baptism, and I welcome the thoughts, ideas, and opinions of others. Faith in Christ is a life-long journey, and I rejoice with Christians of all denominations and backgrounds at what Jesus has done on the cross. I feel no barrier from one Christian to another if beliefs about baptism are different. However a person experiences the intimacy, forgiveness, and a new life in Christ is authentic to how God is working in their life, and I rejoice with every brother and sister who has found Christ to be their true treasure, freedom, and joy. I also welcome viewpoints and thoughts of brothers and sisters who do not believe in Christianity and feel genuine love without judgment towards all people in my life. There would be no basis for me to ever judge another soul because I don’t have a higher status than any other person. I am quite an average woman, full of weaknesses and areas to improve in, but there is a power in my life that I cannot describe. It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Jesus Christ.

I cannot wait to walk on in faith to bring God glory and to see many more come to know Him in this life.

I Just Needed a Little Jazz

Friday Night: Meeting with students all morning. Substitute teaching in the afternoon. Hanging out in the Somali mall in the evening with a good friend. Saturday: Lunch with Grandparents. Babysitting at night. Sunday: Taken over by the fear of what people think Monday: Deeply processing life. Tuesday: Gas leak in our apartment. Later Tuesday Night: Date I planned to surprise Nick- Jazz Concert.

Honestly and truly, my life/circumstances are not hard. Not hard at all. But there is something that is extremely hard for me: the thought of someone not liking me. Alas, this life-long fear has been met by the grace of God as of last night when Nick and I went to see a jazz concert by the Jason Harms Band. They played at Bethel College and radically gave me a refreshing perspective.

They just released their new album titled, “The Land of the Fear of Men.” Each song is artistically written about this theme. What does it mean? I wish I could describe to you the haunting and amazing sounds that made up their song, “The Land of the Fear of Men.” They intended for the song to give off a scary and riveting vibe because if we were honest with ourselves, we could see just how debilitating it is when most of our motives behind our words and actions are because of the fear of other people. How we’ll do anything to gain approval. How we are chained to wanting the approval of others… we go so far as to fear each other more than God… so far as to think people are the ultimate judges of our lives rather than God Himself. I’ll be the first to admit this, and am probably the foremost of people-fearers.

Jason Harms expressed this land that we live in very poetically and startlingly in this song. Here are the lyrics to capture its essence:

The Land of the fear of men,
She lies near the Devil’s den
In hollows foul
With praises’ howl.

We’ll travel her now and then
In hopes to secure a friend.
But all are slaves
Or sunk in graves-
The land of the fear of men.

When fears and anxieties
Form Clouds that canopy,
Forfeiting light’s true guide,
We follow our compass, pride.

The Land of the fear of men
Is haunting at every bend.
In oaks of grey
The nooses sway.

Her hills form a prowler’s pen
Ensnaring the singing wren,
Where praises made
Disguise the blade-
The Land of the fear of men

Arguments with Nick often rise out of my tendency to over-evaluate a social situation we were in… did I say the right thing? Do the right thing? Did I cause this person to like me or not? Do they think I’m always… Do they understand where I’m coming from… Did they get the wrong idea when I said… I don’t want people to think that…. And on and on and on! This anxiety and fear of what others think will often result in one of us impatiently telling the other, “You are way too concerned with what people think of you!”

Call me the world’s largest people-pleaser, but Jason Harms helped me see this in a much more horrific and honest way than it actually sounds. People pleasing sounds so frilly. So common. It sounds like I’m just dancing around in a tu-tu handing out May-Day baskets, right? Wrong.

People pleasing is majorly a result of unbelief and fear. Instead of the tu-tu guise, its more like I’m obnoxiously wearing a sign that says, “Please like me! Please! Approve of me!” It is what happens when I do not believe or trust in God’s total love and acceptance of me. The gospel has been said to me in many different ways, but I like this short phrase best that measures our status as believers in front of God: You are more sinful than you could ever imagine, but more loved and accepted by God than you could ever think or dream. Really?! I don’t so much like to hear that “sin” part, but I like the sound of me being loved and accepted. If I’m honest, that’s what I want most. If I don’t understand the depths of God’s love for me, I’ll never understand the security I can have in Him.

It takes BELIEF to feel secure in God’s presence. So why is it so hard to believe in the freedom and forgiveness offered to me in Christ? I think it is pride. What is pride? www.dictionary.com says…

pride
   /praɪd/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [prahyd] Show IPA Pronunciation
noun, verb, prid⋅ed, prid⋅ing.
–noun
1. a high or inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.
2. the state or feeling of being proud.
3. a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one’s position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.

The third definition says, “a dignified sense of what is due to oneself…” The gospel doesn’t make sense at ALL because it trumps our dignified sense of what is due to ourselves. Our pride makes us live in this sense of what is due, what we deserve, what we owe, etc. When we can clearly see the depths of our sin and depravity without God, we run to our pride. We think of every possible way to make up for our imperfection. This attempt is the #1 reason that makes the gospel so hard to believe for me. The gospel is a free gift. Its exactly like someone reaching over to slide their VISA card for my grocery bill at the grocery store. My pride and sense of what I owe screams, “Oh, no no! REALLY, PLEASE, you don’t have to do that! Let ME pay, really, they’re my groceries, I should pay for them… I can understand that I owe money to pay for what I picked out, but I cannot understand how someone could just pay for something that I deserve to pay for. And that is the gospel. That is why its so hard to trust in it.

Before trusting in Christ, my sin separated me from God. Paul writes to the Ephesians (new followers of Christ) in verse 2:12 “Remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world.” Paul is reminding them of who they were without knowing of God’s love. The Ephesians, before they knew about Christ, probably felt how we feel when we don’t hope in God: Like we are on trial every day. And the judges are not God- they are people. Thankfully, the apostle Paul came to their city to tell them about Jesus Christ and how the trial is OVER! The verdict is in- they are sinful, yet loved and approved by God!

Eph 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.”

The Ephesians must have read Paul’s words with utter surprise when he writes in Eph 2:4-7 “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ–by grace you have been saved– and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.”

They must have thought, “WHAT?! God saw us in our sin and LOVED us? And now he wants to be kind to us? IMMEASURABLE grace? What does that even mean?

I find myself feeling like a lost Ephesian hearing the gospel for the first time. My only hope use to be that people would approve of me somehow. I only lived in the Land of the Fear of Men. But now, as a Christian, the Land of the Fear of Men has not gone away. I still travel there probably daily. Because a lot of the time I just don’t believe its true- that God’s love for me is so steadfast and secure- that I am actually completely detached from the viewpoint, ridicule, judgment, false accusation, or praise from people.

I am so accustomed to living like I am on trial in the world’s eyes and it is so hard to believe that the trial is over because some man came and died on a cross for my sin some 2,000 years ago… its so easy to let doubt take over the truth… but God is faithful, and if I begin to completely doubt his love and reality, He’ll find a way to show me all over again. And my doubt cannot stop God.

What is GLORIOUS is that, if we are trusting in Christ, even if we don’t “feel” secure in His presence, we ARE and we cannot be separated from it. Paul writes in Romans 8:35- 39

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, “For Thy sake we are being put to death all day long; we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

This security in a relationship with God begins when a sinner’s eyes are opened and suddenly all of the ways that they’ve been living and thinking begin to feel heavy and they begin to wonder and question everything. They feel like an overinflated balloon of secrecy that needs to be popped, exposed, confessed, and repented of. At least, this is exactly how I felt my junior year of college. I was so inflated with sin, that I popped. I began to expose myself to Christian women in my life and repented of the sin I had been hiding to God- and nothing has ever felt so good, so refreshing, so FREEING in all my life. I have never felt newer than I did once I let go of my old life and began all over again.

So… if its true that God’s love for me is ALWAYS there, always singing over me, I can truly feel secure at all times. Caring what people think of me more than what God thinks of me is because I don’t understand what God thinks of me. Its like walking on thin ice thinking that A) Wow. God must be smiling on me today because of all of the rules I followed and all of the good things I did. Or B) God must hate me because of the words I just spoke or because of the lies I just told, etc. If “what God thinks of me” is based on my successes or failures, then I don’t have a chance at feeling secure in his presence! Not feeling secure in His presence leads me to search for security, love, and approval from everyone but Him.

Because Christ lived and died in my place, I can feel so secure in God’s love for me, that I can live detached from what people think of me. How do I attain this status with God? The status where he pardons my sin and sees me as clean, made new, perfect and beautiful? I repent of the things that aren’t glorifying to God in my life and trust in Christ. I surrender my burdens, anxieties, and fears in to His hands. I melt at His compassion and mercy over my life. I relish in this new identity. In this new era of freedom of which I never knew before I trusted Christ. To “trust Christ” isn’t just some Christian jargon. It means to believe that when He died on the cross, it was enough to cover all of our sin. It was the payment we deserve, but now we are promised eternal life through Christ.

So, last Tuesday night, when I was angered by the gas leak in our apartment, I was able to slip away into the beat and song of the Jason Harms Band. I was awakened to my unbelief in God’s love and acceptance of me and reminded that His love is always there, and nothing can separate me from it. Nothing can free me more from what others think of me than knowing what God thinks of me.

He doesn’t accept me because of myself, but because of Christ.

Amen to what God can do through jazz music!

Homeless Child

(An Excerpt from my personal journal)
Friday, August 08, 2008
1:49 PM

Father, thank you so much that you love me and forgive me- you shed on me your grace, which I am endlessly undeserving of. God, its amazing how you reach me. Amazing that you reach down to my cold, cold, cold heart. My heart that becomes a stone so fast. My heart that becomes undesirable of the only thing worth desiring- you. God, being married has revealed so much truth to me. It has shown me so much of how hurtful of a person I can be. And it has shown me such a picture of Jesus, of how much Nick forgives me and loves me and stands by my side. God, you are growing me, slowly, there is so much evidence of grace in my life. I am overwhelmed by the grace poured out on such a sinner. Its like when vanilla ice cream drowns underneath oodles of thick, chocolate fudge. I am the drowning vanilla ice cream. Your forgiveness clothes me like thick fudge.

Lord, I have been wandering, sinking, falling away from treasuring you. I have put my hope in things I own, put too much faith in flesh and bone, lived carelessly.

I am begging you Jesus to give me new perspective. Give me a new heart, new hands, new feet, a desire to give away my life.

Father, its taking all I am not break down and cry in Caribou right now. My heart is just so broken.  So confused about how being a Christian is possible when I am such a hypocrite. And yet- this is what being a Christian is. Being a hypocrite and being forgiven for it.