Can’t Sleep

I am all over the place.  Somehow we were watching a movie and now I am just on the computer with a dilemma.  I can’t sleep.  It was the last day of school today.  Everything feels like a blurr.  Although kindergarten has come to an end, something new is beginning.  One season has ended and another has begun.  All in one day.  All since 5pm.  I have exited one season of my life… and so quickly its the next.  I cannot put into words all of the changes I’ve been through this year.  Tonight its just hanging over my head.. the need to process.  The need to be with God.  The need to rest.

Tonight, I am thankful that God so gently welcomes the weakest things in me.  The deepest fears, the worst of my worst behaviors, all my sinful thoughts and actions he already knows and welcomes with unfading patience.  I am so thankful for this God who is with me.  Who has promised me so many things.  Who knows me, understands me, and loves me.

Tonight I am thankful that God is faithful to continue putting His hand in my life and that He is big enough to handle me no matter how near or far I am to Him.  I am so thankful He wants to give me good gifts and freedom from the dominion of sin.  Oh, how I cannot wait to taste more freedom from things I am stuck in bondage to in my life!

I want to taste God’s love for me and His pursuit of my heart more richly than I ever have before.  May this next season be full of understanding this more deeply.

Yes, random thoughts, I know.  But that’s what I got on my mind…

G’nite.

Wishing everyone peace, love, and rest.

A Husband Worth Waiting For

God is so gracious to me!  He has given me a husband who knows the gospel.  A man who trusts in Jesus and knows how to apply truth to our marriage, our conflict, and to the life decisions we make.  I could not ask the Lord for anything more in a husband.  My husband blows the standard of what I use to think husbands were out of the water.  Why?  Is it his looks? His talents? His discipline in life?  His integrity? His sense of humor?  His musical geniousness?  No.

These things are like a cherry on top of something greater.  Its the character of Christ that I see in him.  Its that He holds onto this life loosely and is willing to take risks to trust the Lord through- like raising a support team to make it possible to do college ministry.  Like being willing to move into dangerous neighborhoods to relationally share Jesus with people.  Its his confidence in the work that Christ has done on the cross for His sin- His total belief in God’s grace and freedom from the bondage of sin and death.  Its that he really loves me as Christ loves the church.  He is faithful and committed to our growth as Christians, and he is faithful to me.  He honors me, serves me, seeks my advice and opinions, is SO thoughtful for me, and is so gracious to me during conflict.  Its that he says to me, “My love for you is not conditional.  It is not based on how well you do, how much you do, or if you fail, it is based on my committment to you.  And nothing will change how committed to you I am.”  Who knew men like this exist today?  THEY DO!

The greatest dating advice I ever received in the area of dating was this, “Run hard after Jesus and life.  Make living for Jesus and giving your life away for others your biggest pursuit.  If God wants you to marry, you’ll run into your husband along the way.”

The day I threw my idol of marriage and relationships out the window after I went through some pretty bumpy break-ups and became a Christian and said, “Lord, here I am!  I want to serve you and give up my life to follow you.  Oh, and if you think its good for me when I’m ready, I would LOVE to marry a missionary!”  was the day that the Lord truly began drawing me closer and closer to this rare missionary.  In our American culture, its easy to think of missionaries as people who just fly to other countries to share the gospel.  Thankfully, God’s idea and purpose for missionaries is so much bigger than this stereotype!  All Christians are missionaries and are called to share Jesus in their entire lifestyle.  But I didn’t just want to marry someone who said they were a Christian.  I wanted to marry someone whose heart and life were actually transformed by the power of God. A man who was laying his life down that others might know this gospel of truth, grace, and freedom.  Someone whose values were not of this world or for this world, but of God’s kingdom and eternity.  I remember how my desire for my husband changed after I gave my life to Christ.  God truly gave met my desires with a man beyond my dreams.  Here’s what I got in my missionary husband:

1. A man who does not fear change

2.  A man who does not cling to comfort

3.  A man who values building up the kingdom of God more than gaining more worldly achievements

4.  A man who desires to mentor younger men and seeks counsel from older men

5.  A man who treats me like I am a queen (literally!  I feel so adored, loved and served by him!)

6.  A man who shares about Jesus in a non-threatening, relational and intentional way

7.  A man who is slow to anger and quick to repent of sin

8.  A man who is quick to forgive others and me!

9.  A man who in young, but whom the Lord has given wisdom and knowledge

10.  A man who loves to serve others

11.  A man who admits his weaknesses

12.  A man who stewards his money as though it is not his own, but God’s

13.  A man who loves to give his money to support others

14.  A man who is a good steward of his body: he eats healthy and exercises

15.  A man who loves one woman and is committed to one woman

16.  A man who sees the bible as the word of God and who uses it in ALL areas of his life

17.  A man who loves others and has compassion

18.  A man who would rather take risks that others might know Jesus than to live in his own world of comfort and security

19.  A man who never threatens or uses me, but respects me and honors me

20.  A man who supports my passions and dreams

21.  A man who encourages me to be creative and spontaneous

22.  A man who loves my family and brothers a ton!

23.  A man who helps around the house just as much as me   (I know, I know, I’m lucky!)

24.  A man who I trust

25.  A man who I delight to submit to and follow

26.  A man who I can’t wait to be a dad of our kids someday!

27.  A man who gives me great advice

28.  A man who takes me dancing and plans fun dates!

29.  A man who could be a professional listener

30.  A man who leads me closer to God and encourages me as I grow in Christ’s character

Thank you, God, for giving me Nick!!

Clinging to the Cross

“Clinging to the Cross“- sung by Bethany Dillon

Go here to listen to this amazing song!   http://www.myspace.com/bethanydillonmusic

Written By Tim Hughes and Martin Smith

My soul is weak
My heart is numb
I cannot see
But still my hope is found in You
I’ll hold on tightly
You will never let me go
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail

Simply to the cross I cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as I am free
Jesus, You are all I need
Clinging to the cross

Even darkness is as light to You, my Lord
So light the way and lead me home
To that place where every tear is wiped away
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail

Simply to the cross I cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as I am free
Jesus, You are all I need
Clinging to the cross

What a Saviour, what a story
You were crucified but now You are alive
So amazing, such a mystery
You were crucified but now You are alive

Simply to the cross I cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as I am free
Jesus, You are all I need
Clinging to the cross

Seeking the Lord When I Don’t Want To

It is so easy to get discouraged in this life.  To put too much stock into people and experiences and expectations.  Sometimes we don’t realize how much stock we’ve put into something or someone so temporary.  Its like going through a terrible break up and realizing you have put all of your hope and emotional energy into one person who you really wont spend the rest of your life with.  And then we make ourselves the victim, questioning “Why would God do this to me?”

I have found myself in this place not only when going through break-ups, but also in my prayer life. Praying for something and seeing God answer my prayer in a way that I did not ask for.  A way that I did not think would be as great as the way I would have answered my own prayer.  I fing myself identifying with the Psalmist in Psalm 77 asking, “Has God forgotten to be gracious?”

Today, when I am wishing the Lord would have answered my prayers in the way that I thought He would, I am fighting to remember all of the gracious work He has done and that His will is always good.  My best friend reminded me last night that God has heard my prayers and even if he answers them differently than I wanted, He is so good and faithful.  He will not forget any of my prayers, and He will be faithful to carry out His perfect and wise plan in the lives of all His children.  He will bring us all to completion.

In the Day of Trouble I Seek the Lord
To the choirmaster: according to Jeduthun. A Psalm of Asaph.

I cry aloud to God,
aloud to God, and he will hear me.
In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;
my soul refuses to be comforted.
When I remember God, I moan;
when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah

You hold my eyelids open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
I consider the days of old,
the years long ago.
I said, [1] “Let me remember my song in the night;
let me meditate in my heart.”
Then my spirit made a diligent search:
“Will the Lord spurn forever,
and never again be favorable?
Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
Are his promises at an end for all time?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he in anger shut up his compassion?”

Then I said, “I will appeal to this,
to the years of the right hand of the Most High.”

I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds.
Your way, O God, is holy.
What god is great like our God?
You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might among the peoples.
You with your arm redeemed your people,
the children of Jacob and Joseph. Selah

When the waters saw you, O God,
when the waters saw you, they were afraid;
indeed, the deep trembled.
The clouds poured out water;
the skies gave forth thunder;
your arrows flashed on every side.
The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;
your lightnings lighted up the world;
the earth trembled and shook.
Your way was through the sea,
your path through the great waters;
yet your footprints were unseen.
You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Stuck, but Hopeful

I’m not so sure my blog will be exploding over spring break due to the huge wall between my blog and me (no, we don’t have a relationship… or do we?) Anywho…  I’m not sure what the wall is, exactly.   I know that life has been really busy and full.  Without written processing, a chasm grows between my mind and what is going on at the root of my heart.

Do you ever sit back and take a good candid shot of your mind?  If you could make your mind into a pie-graph, what sections would there be floating around in there?  In other words, what consumes your thoughts?  What consumes most of your thoughts, half of your thoughts, a small portion of your thoughts?  That’s what I am examining today.  What am I consumed with thinking about?

Its funny that I feel such a burden to search myself and unravel the deep and hidden roots of anxiety and unbelief in my heart when I have a savior who searches me and knows me.  It is He who searches me, not I who searches myself.  Yet, there is a need to process who I am and what I am learning.   And I don’t know where to start but to confess the candid shot of my mind.

So one of my favorite things to do when I am cleaning around the house or ironing on a day off is to look up new Christian artists on myspace.  I pride myself in listening to undiscovered artists who are unbelievably talented.  I love listening to music.  If there is a sound that ministers to me more than any other, it is a clear pitched unique voice, soft piano and acoustic guitar.

Yesterday, I listened to my new favorite singer/artist, Audrey Assad.  Then, like the myspace-music-pro that I am, I clicked and clicked and clicked on dozens of artists advertized on various Myspace pages.  At first, the songs ministered to me.  The lyrics met my soul.  I was loving it.

Then, my mind took a turn down a lost and dark path.  I guess that’s what we artists do.  We feel really happy and energized and then we also experience deep sorrow, confusion, and darkness.  Ask any singer, musician, painter, or songwriter- its just the way that we operate.  And I don’t think it’s a long shot to say that’s how a lot of people, artist-or-not, operate.  So, I stared at my two guitars, piano, and recording equipment.  I stared at half-songs I’ve written.  The wind  through the window blew all of my sheets of half-attempted music off of my music stand.  I thought about my life.  What am I doing?  Who am I?  What am I suppose to be doing with what God has given to me?  I have a fear of wasting God’s talents.

I began wishing I had a myspace page with really great songs.  I began wishing I had this awesome music ministry that keeps me really busy.  I imagined my life recording and writing, traveling the world.   I imagined using the sales to give to organizations I am passionate about.  I even imagined having really cool pictures of myself that captured the essence of my artistry (which I know is completely vain and self-glorifying- which is why I’m thankful for a savior from this selfishness). But don’t we get sucked into dreaming sometimes?  Sucked into wanting a different life?  Or a different job?  A different image?

I don’t think my dream or imagination is entirely unrealistic considering that I come from a large family of singers/songwriters who sing and play music loudly at every family event.  I have recorded very informally about 4-5 songs in the past few years, but musically I often feel stuck.  I sing at church, I’ve sung for weddings, I have helped lead worship at retreats, I sang my life away all throughout high school… but what is it that I really want?  Fame?  A more exciting life?  Adventure?  A larger creative outlet in my life?  The better question is what is it that God really wants?

Since I’m mostly consumed with what I want, let me tell you.  As I listened and investigated all of these new artists, I began to think about my life and wish that it were more exciting.  I wished that I could be a good songwriter.  That the words I write and songs I write would minister to other people.  But as I listened to these amazing songs, I felt… so small.  So ungifted.  So ordinary.  So unpoetic.  So stuck.

I don’t want a job that sucks all the life out of me so that there’s no room or time for these other exceeding passions of mine.  I want an exciting, changing, somewhat unstructured, yet productive job.  A job with seasons.  Music seems to have seasons.  Seasons to write.  Seasons to create.  Seasons to play.  Seasons to record.  Seasons to rest.

The truth of my life is that I am working in a deeply suffering, yet hope-filled atmosphere on a daily basis.  My job consists of meeting immediate needs of children experiencing very difficult lives.  My nights consist of making dinner, working out, making my lunch for the next day, hanging out with Nick or a friend, and going to bed early so I can be refreshed for the next day of 8-5 operation kindergarten.  I never feel bored, just tired and rushed.  And I really do LOVE my teaching job.  I can’t tell you how good God has been to me through it and how much he has taught me and changed me because of it.  I PRAISE Him for this merciful job!  He has awakened me to so much more suffering in the world and challenged me in ways that have really strengthened me spiritually.

While I love teaching, it doesn’t leave room for much else, though holiday breaks are a large perk!  Most of the time, I don’t have time or energy to practice music, write as frequently, or mentor college women to the capacity that I feel my desire is for.  But if God is calling me to teach and to give some of these things up so that He may use me at a greater capacity at this school, then I want to joyfully surrender to this wonderful blessing!  What I’m not sure of is if He has created me for something different than teaching.  I’m convinced that this season is one of waiting for Him to bring in clarity and affirmation over what He has in store for my life.

Spring break has been miraculous for me because I have been spending so much time with college women, and I feel so rejuvenated and refreshed doing college ministry!  Its not that it’s easy, because I assure you its not.  My whole first semester felt like stamping a big L on my forehead while experiencing deep rejection and endless unreturned phone calls.  But this week was sweet fellowship with some women who are going through life with God as their savior, and its so life-giving to me to see how he is moving in their lives!

I was so hungry to get time with some of these women that I have completely neglected my goals to practice and write music and to blog.  So here I am today, feeling like a useless musician and blogger.  I know that’s not believing the truth, but today I just don’t know the capacity I am called to use music in my life.   I wish I could say that somewhere in my passions of children, college women, music, and writing I could pick one.  I wish that God could post a bill-board outside my window that broadcasted what I’m suppose to do forever and ever.

But this is a season of waiting, trial, and patience.   Its sort of a season of everything, which in a way is very cool.  Its just that feeling of being spread-thin and not that effective at everything, but slightly ok at a lot of things.  I feel stuck.

So the snap-shot of my mind seems to be, on this day, consumed with longing, for what- I don’t know.  What I can’t distinguish between is selfish ambition and God-breathed dreaming… where do I stop listening to the lies in my mind and begin hearing the living God and pulsing to His dreams for my life?

So, I guess that’s my unorganized, unplanned, candid blog entry for ya’ll today.  I don’t mean to be a downer because I have been experiencing so much joy and daily purposes, but there are days when I just don’t really understand my own specific purpose.  As I type, I feel convicted of not believing God can use me or that God has plans for me.  I pray God would change this.  He is so faithful!

Pray with me if you feel stuck that…
1.    God will give us His heart and His mind for our short lives on earth.
2.    God would give us hearts of faith and freedom, not of fear and bondage to the world.
3.    God would redeem our self-centered ambitions and use what He’s given us for His kingdom!

Stuck, but hopeful,
Katie

Be Prepared for Blog Explosion!

I haven’t been much for blogging on the internet lately because I have been SOOOO busy! But I have been blogging in my head.  I think that when I have spring break in one week at the elementary school I work at, I will have so much to blog about that this blog may explode!  At least that’s what it feels like to be going through so much change right now!  There is so much to write about, I don’t even know what topic to begin with!

So, here’s a preview of things I plan to explode about…

1.  The Perfect Husband for Me (Nick! a.k.a.  TOTAL gift of God’s grace to me!)

2. The way God is redeeming the sin that has been revealed in marriage (Amen!)

3. Teaching in the inner-city of Minneapolis

4. I think we may be moving!

5. Finding the freedom to tell the truth

6. I love the Salvation Army (I bought new shirts that were $3!)

7.  Redemptive Community is the MOST important part of my survival in life!

8.  College Students who are giving their lives away for the gospel and changing lives!

I have to make my lunch and go to bed, but more to come!!

Later, friends!

Forgive

I could cry it feels so good to be sitting here at Caribou spending time alone considering every waking moment this past week I have been surrounded by lots of people- children, husband, friends, teachers, neighbors, etc.  I am so blessed by so much community, but I have not spent very much time reflecting or processing the past two weeks. Right now, I wish I had creativity flowing through my brain to my fingers to my hands, but all I have is bullet point thoughts. I started a new job. Its so incredibly eye-opening. I love it. We looked at some houses in the Phillips neighborhood. I went on my first kindergarten field trip. I am having so many breakthroughs in marriage.  In life.  In everything.  How do you even begin to process so much life change?

Today, I had the day off of teaching. Aaaa… the blessings of working in education. You get all of these days off for conferences, teacher workshop days, holiday breaks, etc. So nice. Today, I went to spin class (and Nick came too for the first time!). I met with a dear friend for tea, and spent the entire afternoon cooking. As I cooked, thoughts that seem too big for my small head just bounced off the walls of my brain… teaching…marriage… college ministry… family relationships… students… moving… what ingredients did I forget? Etc. As Nickel Creek played in the background, the calmness of God caught me like a fish on a hook. I was browning italian sausage with ground beef just mashing and thinking, mashing and thinking, mashing and thinking and BAMB! I just put down the masher (the spatula) took a look out of the window at the beautiful day and prayed, “God? Would you help me stop? Help me stop thinking about things as inhumane as italian sausage and hamburger beef? Please clear my mind. Fill me with peace.”

My mashing turned into brainlessly browning meat while music saturated my anxiety. I spent most of yesterday attached at every limb to five kindergarteners at a time, ssshhhhing, holding hands, and walking children to the bathroom on our field trip to the Maplewood Community Center, where we watched a play. Kindergarteners can only hold it for so long. I can only think and talk for so long without needing to take a time-out of life. A time out of doing. A time out to Listen. Exfoliate my heart with the Word of God. Over the last few weeks, there are a few verses that have been so much more than words I heartlessly read. They have cut my heart like a sword. They have challenged the ways that I think and have CHANGED the ways that I think.

Because of a situation that happened with some of my students at school, I chose to handle the situation by talking to the students about forgiveness and what it means to truly forgive someone.

Here is the verse I read… Col. 3: 12-13 “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” For so long, I have just passed over that verse, thinking it was just one of those “love everyone” verses. Loving people isn’t that hard, is it? Um, I’ve discovered that it IS.

It is hard to love people. Loving people does not soley consist of smiling and sticking your thumbs up. If I am called to love and forgive others as the Lord has forgiven me, I have the hardest challenge of my life ahead of me. I certainly cannot do this without the supernatural work of God changing my heart and mind. I have learned so much about myself and the expectations that I place on other people. On my students. My friends. My family. My husband. I have the expectation that I deserve to be treated nicely and considerately. I expect students to listen to me.  I expect certain people to make me feel a certain way.  I expect that when people are rude or mean, they will apologize to me.  I live in the sense of what is due, what people should owe me.  I don’t outwardly act like this, but its the restlessness in my heart that reveals I have all these needs and expectations from certain relationships and groups of people that just don’t get met the way that my longings want to be met.  And I am realizing how bogus it is to hold unwritten and unspoken expectations for people who simply were not created to meet my needs.  No human being can meet my needs.

I have realized that I live very much out of the perspective of “Give and take.” I am not ok with just giving. I want to receive something for my giving. When people hurt me, I expect an apology and I expect it to be sincere and heart-felt. The reality is, however, not all people will apologize to someone even if they’ve been the one in the wrong. Free love is loving people without expecting something in return. Its forgiving them in totality, forgiving  AS GOD HAS FORGIVEN US. I will get nowhere in my love for others if I do not take a moment and ask myself, “How has God forgiven me?”

I am almost speechless because what God has forgiven me for could never even fill every page that could be typed and pasted onto the internet. My sin is so bad that it deserves death. And I’m not just talking about sin that is obvious, but the hidden sins in my heart. The thoughts I think. I have spit in God’s face and chosen temporary pleasures for my own selfish gain, made myself into a God rather than looked to Him as my God, wanted to be worshipped myself than worship God, lived carelessly, shamed others with hurtful words and blasphemy, made idols out of relationships, body image and on and on and on… God has forgiven me of ALL MY SIN! This is amazing! When someone wrongs a forgiven sinner, the way that we are called to forgive is as God has forgiven us. We are called to give grace, to wipe away grudges for even the most hurtful actions others have done to us.

I think that one of the reasons it is so hard to truly forgive other people is because we hold too high of expectations for people who are broken and sinful. Why do we expect perfection from other people if they are, by their nature, sinful, and not God? At least if you are like me, you either to a large or small degree think that others owe you dignity and integrity. Because you hold a very high status for yourself. You are beside yourself if others do not meet this end of the deal. Oh how hopeless we are without God to help us! Is it possibly to give and to give of ourselves joyfully without needing anything in return? Without expecting something in return? Could we love others and look past the ways they’ve hurt us or treated us? Could we prepare our hearts to walk into every situation without needing something from people?  Not if we don’t double click on what the gospel really is.

Did Jesus come to die on a cross for “good” people?  No.  He came for sinners.  Sinners aren’t just lonely beggars.  They are you and me.  WE are liars, murderers, filled with jealousy, malice, slander, sexual immorality, idolatry, etc.  Sin has separated us from God, and yet He came and took the punishment we deserve.  If we double click on Christ’s death on the cross, we’d see the torture, the pain, the sorrow, the death- that all happened because justice had to be served.  Death was the just result of sin.  And mercy was the gracious act of God poured out through the life and resurrection of Jesus.  He has forgiven us.  Not only has he pardoned our sin, but he welcomes us into his presence at all times.  He doesn’t define us by what we did wrong, but by the righteousness of Christ living in us.  If we understood the depths of His forgiveness of us, we would see more clearly that no one owes us anything at all.  But we’ll never understand this unless we are exposed to our sin and shown how much we really don’t deserve anything.  We are entitled to nothing.  Not even to others treating us nicely.

I am a firm-planted needer.  This is the first year of my life that it has been revealed so largely that I cannot help but see that God is revealing it because He wants to show me the problem with needing others and the solution of His total love that is the only real thing that can give me what I need. I am currently reading, “When People are Big and God is Small” by Edward Welch.  I am really hoping that this book, along with Col. 3 will help me begin to love people fully, freely, and graciously without needing them.  I am loved and accepted by God- I want HIM to be big and people to be small when it comes to my needs being met.

I Am Nowhere But Here

Hazy yellow floats onto my hands, my desk, my coffee.  A ray of sunshine collides with the steam swirling from my coffee cup.    The traffic is light outside my window, creating a sense of calm I don’t normally feel in the mornings.  The distance between each car rolling by unveils the secret that there really are birds that sing in the city.  I love this morning.  Everything in me is level.  Peace-filled, even, controlled, calm.  I am nowhere but here.

I am stirred.  I am listening.  Most mornings I am not listening because I am doing.  Doing and worrying.  Most mornings I am busy and unleveled.  Fast and unpeaceful, talking and not listening, deciding and not waiting.  But today is different.  Waking up before I have to be anywhere, early enough to brew coffee and read the bible and journal.  There is so much to be gained from this small moment in which I am listening and waiting.  I am fully awakened to something.

In each sip, I taste my affections for the only one I was made to feel affections for.  In each still pocket of stopped traffic, they grow.  This desire of my heart would be clouded if I were sleeping in.  It would be forgotten if I pressed my snooze button.  I am eternally grateful for this moment to feel faint before my creator.  To feel swept away into His presence.  Because normally, I am swept away FROM His presence because of my anxious and jump-started mornings, but not today.  Today, He has given me ears to hear His peace.  I am clothed in the presence of God.

Today, this is the only feeling I want to feel.  Total peace amidst circumstances.  I want this perspective to glue to my mind.  This total trust in God, total joy in God, and total surrender  to God.  Total belief that Jesus is the perfect man who lived and died in my place and gave me this freedom from shame and sin, this cup that no longer measures my iniquities, but overflows with grace.

I want to hear God speaking to me today.  I want to listen to anything new He might show me.

This morning, God showed me Psalm 103 (written by David who is in love with God’s mercy, which He has longed to receive because of all of his sin.  His soul rejoices on the Lord because the Lord has removed his iniquities)

This is my song of hope and joy for the day…

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like f the eagle’s.

The Lord works  righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us m according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.

For  as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.

As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like  a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and  its place knows it no more.

But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children’s children,
to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.
Bless the Lord, O you  his angels,
you  mighty ones who do his word,
obeying the voice of his word!
Bless the Lord, all his  hosts,
his ministers, who do his will!
Bless the Lord, all his works,
in all places of his dominion.
Bless the Lord, O my soul!

Ok.  Time to shower.  And begin this day with a listening heart surrendered to God.

I think I like not pressing my snooze button. 

Robbed of Joy

I’m going to re-evaluate some patterns in my life because some of them completely rob me of joy.  I hate when I lose all perspective and wallow in the reality of lost joy- when I know that all the while I watched my joy get robbed- there was a way out.  There is always a way out.  Yet, sadly, for me, that’s the path least taken.

The voice of the joy stealer sounds so inviting, so illusive, so captivating.  I hear it in my snooze button, I feel it in the fatigue right when my work day is over, when I get on the internet and begin surfing the web for completely unimportant reasons, when I cancel plans with someone because I’m tired, when I walk around defining myself by how skinny or fat I feel, when I ignore piles of laundry and my unclean apartment, when I scarf down dessert like I just won a vacation to Hawaii, when I begin to justify myself for my wrongdoings with my “right” doings, when I don’t make to-do lists, plan ahead or set goals, when I feel jealous of someone else’s cute hair or cute outfit, when I compare myself to others rather than LOVE others, when I feel better or worse than someone else, when I go to Target and unconsciously wander into the clothing section and discover that I suddenly need a whole new wardrobe, when I go to church and criticize the worship music selected, when I leave social gatherings and let my emotions run wild with despair and self-evaluation, when I just plain ignore the truth and dive into a big fat sparkling pool of LIES.

This is the joy stealer.  He comes in the form of chocolate cake, snooze buttons, waking up late and not showering, comparison, self-righteousness, laziness, apathy, being ruled by the gloom of February.  Ugh.  So much joy is robbed from my life because I get enticed by these things that seem temporarily good and fulfilling.  Yesterday, the snooze button left me caving in to the belief that it would lead me to having a great day, but when that small little nearly unconscious action lead to a day of mayhem, fatigue, and no shower, I lived in a cloudy fog, took a nap, canceled working out, made dinner, skipped the student event, read, and went to bed.  All of my original plans failed because of one small action in the wee morning hours.  When all was said and done, I went to turn my light off at night and felt… robbed.  What a mediocre day.

I felt… zero joy.  Oh the snooze button sounded like my best friend at 6am… until it was 7:30 and I had 15 minutes to throw my hair back grab a bagel and stuff something in my bag for lunch while frantically yelling to Nick, “Where’s my phone? Where’s my keys? Where’s my brain?  Do you want an apple?  I said, DO YOU WANT AN APPLE?  WE HAVE TO GO!!”  Then, the ride to work consists of me feeling train-wrecked, angry, exhausted, unprepared, and mad at myself for becoming a barking wife at my husband.  ALL BECAUSE OF THE SNOOZE BUTTON!

This doesn’t happen every day.  But its happened enough, where I feel myself turning all barky and beasty, that I have GOT to put an end to it.  The snooze button has controlled me for too long.  That one small little joy stealer breeds so much other joy robbing throughout my day.  The sad thing is that the moment I wake up, God is offering me more joy than I can imagine, yet I trade in the diamonds for nasty, smelly, ugly I don’t know… old tennis shoes.  That’s what its like to describe being robbed of joy.  I cannot give in anymore!

I’m not going to talk about being robbed of joy as if something outside of my control came to rob me in the middle of the night.  Actually, the joy that is robbed is a result of something within me, Jesus says.  (Mark 7: 20-23) And He said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him.  For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness.  All these things come from within, and they defile a person.”

It is my heart that defiles me and robs me of joy.  Because I choose to follow its sinful desires rather than to take God up on His life-giving opportunities, I rob myself.  I often have a vision of my day- a perfect picture of doing all these things to glorify God, like cleaning up, showering, exercising, getting together with friends, writing, singing and recording songs, and then the end of the day rolls around, and one word comes to mind: wasted.  I wasted so many opportunities.  Yet, my heart’s desire was to have this great productive day, but I traded in an hour more of sleep for A TERRIBLE DAY.  Was the sleep worth it?  Um, no.

God is so good that he uses the greatest missionary to ever have lived- the Apostle Paul- to help us identify with.  Though He carried out God’s commandment to the fullest, He was human and confesses in Romans 7, “For I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing…Wretched man that I am!  Who will save me from the body of death?  Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

If I could add some specifics into that verse, I would say, “For I do not wake up on time, but I press my snooze button and wake up late.  I have the desire to stop pressing my snooze button, but not the ability to carry it out.  For I do not wake up when I know it will be good for me, but the evil of pressing my snooze button is what I keep on doing!”

I know this sounds ridiculous, but sleeping is currently my biggest problem and my biggest idol.  It is causing all the problems in my life.

How sweet is God to speak His truth to us through ordinary, uneducated and sinful people throughout the bible.  He is so merciful to us.  I love that God uses these ordinary characters instead of just telling a story of a bunch of perfect people. Because let’s be honest.  We’re not.  And if we had to read a story that read, “And then the Lord spoke: “All hail, my perfect earthly villans!  Thou shalt only receive my love if thou livest a perfect life!” We’d probably rather chuck it out the window or flush it down the toilet.

Praise God that is love is not reduced to a cause-effect relationship only based on our mediocre performances, but rather it is infinitely based on His mercy!  We get to read a story about people who ARE sinful.  Being sinful and struggling with self-control is the natural way in which each person thinks and lives.  And yet we get to read about the compassion and mercy that God has for us through Jesus Christ.  He is willing to pay the debt for all our failure through Christ.  I’ve been into saying this a lot lately, so I’ll say it again.  Can I getta Amen?!  God is so wonderful to us.

So, back to robbing.  When I rob myself of joy, my affections for God decline.  I don’t want to talk to Him.  I don’t want to love Him.  In turn, I don’t want to talk to others and I don’t want to love them.  It’s a total domino effect.  When I rob myself of joy, I also rob those around me of joy.

I want my affections for God to increase.  There are a lot of things in my life that stir up my heart to love God more, even simple things like the smell of coffee, listening to Minnesota Public Radio, writing, being outdoors, etc.  But there are a few things that I know would most likely stir up my heart to love God more, but I just don’t do them.

So now is the time to start.  I am going to try to change a few of the sneaky joy-robbers in my life to see if I might truly become a happier, more effective, and joy-radiant person.  I don’t want to feel that I am wasting my life or my time, though I know that God’s grace is enough to pardon all of my joy-robbed days.

I am going to set a few attainable goals to help me as I begin my teaching career next week.

1) Begin winding down for bed at 9pm.

2) Wake up at 5:30am (because I have to leave by 7am)

3) Meet with God in the morning before work.

4) No pressing my snooze button

5) Workout every night after work.

Ok, thats it. Those are the lifesetyle changes that I feel will be necessary if I want to be an effective and awake person throughout my days in the kindergarten classroom.

I know that its easier to type my goals than to attain my goals, so this is in no way going to be easy.

But something has to change in my life, or I’ll feel robbed everyday, and that would just not be pleasant for me, Nick, or anyone around me.

I’ll post about how realistic these goals are once I actually try them.

Buh-Bye snooze button!

My First Real Job

…begins in approximately one week.  I chose to begin marriage nannying because it was counseled to me by our pastor to take a season to slow down, learn how to be married (and I’m still learning!), and re-evaluate everything.  With all of the stress and anxiety pre-wedding, I couldn’t get through marriage counseling without adding to the Mississippi River, so the advice was timely.  There was a definite need for some time to breathe.  After grad school and planning a wedding, its safe to say I was pretty burnt out.  I have spent the last 7 months part-time nannying, writing and recording music, dreaming, praying, spending time with college women, substitute teaching, and writing and studying Matthew, Acts, and Romans… seriously- God just totally blessed me with an amazing season of rest and personal growth as an individual and in marriage.  Coming off of last year, it seriously has felt like emotional rehab.  I think I have fully recovered.  Can I getta Amen?

It is all going to change in one week, but I am ready.  I am anticipating it, excited for how God will use me and teach me.  I will be working as a teaching assistant and a morning program supervisor at Hope Academy, while continuing to hang out with college women in the evenings and weekends.

The reason I have decided to pursue a teaching job is because I have been on the teeter-totter of working as a teacher or working in college ministry for the past few years.  I have subbed at Hope a few times per week this past school year, and this job became available, so I applied for it to see if God would open or close the door.  He opened it, and Nick and I think it would be wise for me to try teaching out.  I know that I love college ministry and would do it full time in a heart beat, but there has always been this draw- this pull towards children and families in the city of Minneapolis.  Since my first time working with them at Hope five years ago, something about working in the city with all of the children stirred my affections for Jesus.

Here I am, this blonde girl from the suburbs sliding in the dirt, falling off of playgrounds playing with children, talking to them about their lives, praying with them- and my affections for God just shot through the roof!  I have climbed the ladder from volunteer to substitute teacher to teaching assistant.  I guess we’ll see what’s next!  It was funny because the Hope administration staff said that if they could describe me in one word in my interview it would be: persistent.   I guess they are right.

As long as this door is open, I am going to go for it.  I am going to be working with a wonderful woman in a kindergarten classroom, so I am bracing myself for lots of colored paper, singing songs, and sheparding the hearts of these young children.  I am grateful to have so many teacher friends to learn from.

My experience subbing for middle school has been really challenging, but so rewarding.  My favorite part is when a student is being rude or disrespectful (sounds weird, I know).  This provides an amazing opportunity to get a little deeper with my young friends.  I often sternly tell him/her  to come into the hall with me.  They walk with me, usually looking really afraid of losing a privilege or getting detention… but then I change my tone quickly.  I calmly tell them how much I love having them in my class and how much I want them to be there.  I tell them that I don’t appreciate being disrespected and ask them to change their demeanor.  I am also able to ask, “How’s your day going?  Do you want to talk about anything?”  I have had some great one-on-ones with some young women because of our little hall chats.  After one second chance (and they all know this)- it’s a detention.  Boo.  I hate giving detentions.

Today, I did something a little different in my fun fitness class.  During the free activity time, I asked all of the girls to come sit and talk with me.  Here’s a visual of the racial diversity:  Two latino girls to my left and four African American girls on my right.  And then me.  White, blonde, born-and-raised-in-the-suburbs-me.  I moved past barriers as we formed a small, intimate circle.  The reason I did this is because I desire to know them.  I can’t effectively teach them- or reach them- if I don’t know them.  And I will not let racial barriers or cultural backgrounds get in the way.  God created all of us and put us on this earth, and though we have miles to go to understanding each others’ cultural influences, we must try.

I took this time to ask them how their days were, how old they were, what grades they were in.  Here is what I learned:  Their favorite musical artists, their desire to get their learners’ permits, how their days were going, the ups and downs, the difficulties they are having in school, what they want to study in college, some phrases they say, etc.  We laughed as I tried to say some of the phrases they say and as I told them about my experience of driving my parents’ car into the wall in my garage when I first got my permit.  It was definitely girl talk.  Which I thought was ok considering I was substitute teaching for the after school extracurricular program.

It was a stepping stone to understanding who they are and what influences them.  This is key to understanding how to teach them.

So my first real job… is in kindergarten and not middle school, but either way, I am eager to learn and watch other teachers show me how to teach in the inner city of Minneapolis.  I confess I feel inadequate, but I believe that God is going to develop me through this process.  He’s going to show me what it takes to love and help these children and young adults. The funny thing is that I often feel like a child myself.

Just because there’s a ring on my finger and I’m working out of college doesn’t mean I’m all grown up.  I am certain that God is giving me this job to reveal to me all the areas that I need to grow in.  I know it wont be easy, but God never promised me easy.

He promised to be with me.