Woman Redefined.

If you follow my blog regularly, you’ve gotten a glimpse of how sweet and how sanctifying (which also means: to make holy; set apart as sacred; consecrate) marriage is… because I’ve let you into the ebbs and flows of our life as newlyweds. If you grew up watching movies like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, and basically any other chick flicks, you have been led astray just like me. You have been led to believe that if you are beautiful and have no stomach, big boobs, and a nice butt to stare at, you will win the heart of another piece of eye candy who will sweep you off your perfectly cute feet, marry you, and then you’ll live “Happily _______ _______.” I have no doubt you can fill in the blanks.

Perhaps you weren’t led astray by the ferry-tales of Disney, but I was. Do you know what I heard on Minnesota Public Radio the other day? That Disney makes more sales selling princess and bridal accessories to five-year-olds than any other Disney Disney apparel… SAD! Five-year-olds are suppose to be skipping around in fields, playing and eating peanut-butter and jelly, not idolizing these female non-real characters as they prance around in bikinis while searching for their life-long lovers! Ok. I’ll stop my Disney rant. I really do like Cinderella.

Anyway. Marriage HELPS with SOME problems and is most definitely the sweetest gift apart from Christ I’ll ever be given in this life, but Hollywood did not prepare me for what is actually true about marriage. This is why I am so utterly thankful to have parents who are still happily married and to have been discipled/mentored by older Christian single and married women throughout college who gave me a REAL picture of singleness and marriage, the joys and struggles that befall, and how to be content either way. While its true that marriage does equate entering into a new and exciting chapter FILLED with amazing blessings, it helps to be sobered and trained for how to walk through what often becomes a battlefield.

I seem to be eagerly alert for the day that my marriage could at some point become my life’s biggest battle (and at times, feels like it!) … because in our culture it just seems that we’re doomed to expect it at some point, and in no form or fashion am I above the rest. But I do want to get to the root of why these battles begin, or I fear I’ll never change my ways during conflict with Nick. And I don’t want to be on the pathway of doom. Divorce will never be an option, till death do us part! I said it, and I meant it- forever and ever am I delighted and committed to work through conflict with Nick. I’ll admit I’m still very much a starry-eyed newly wed. Most days I think I could just stare at Nick and do nothing else… but we do have our fights. So, I’ll need help.

Instead of looking to Hollywood for the definition of love and romance, I am going to look to the bible and older, more mature married people than myself. God is the creator of marriage, so you’d think he has a lot more wisdom to offer us than Hollywood’s misrespresentation of the beauty and ideas of what being a woman is, what marriage is, and what husbands are suppose to be. I have yet to be proven wrong that the bible is more helpful than the media around me, but let me let you into a scene from my freshmen year of college…

I was so unsatisfied, but on the outside I had it all: a serious boyfriend, three jobs, perfect grades, a regular exercise routine, and awesome friends. Yet, I wasn’t happy. When circumstances didn’t go my way, do you know who I invited to my pity parties? Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughay. I would watch “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days” over and over again or some other chick flick. Seriously, I would pop one into the tiny TV in my dorm room and watch it while planning “cookies and milk” night for our dorm hall. Ridiculous! I think to myself in hindsight. I watched these chick flicks because they displayed what seemed like true love. I would watch them and feel crappy cause I didn’t have it, yet hopeful because these movies seemed to portray that it CAN exist! Oh, if only I knew where to look to find it…

Hollywood combined with my sinful desires destroyed me… before I knew that I could be more loved and accepted by God than I could ever be from people. I assure you that I still watch movies regularly. Its just that I no longer bow down to what they tell me about who I am and what will make me happy in life. After living twenty-one years completely defining myself by the standards of our culture and the media, I have had a rude-awakening, after beginning to trust in Christ, to who I REALLY am and what is REALLY true about my self-worth in the eyes of God.

I’ll never forget the first day of kindergarten. I held a boy named Johnny’s hand, and I believe my teacher had to refrain many testosterone-filled five-year-olds from kissing me. I must have been hard to resist while proclaiming that Santa Clause was real and learning to sound out the alphabet! However, I remember feeling devastated when one boy decided he wanted to kiss Shelly instead of me because Shelly had her ears pierced! The chances of me being loved drastically sunk to somewhere below zero in my mind as a five-year-old. I couldn’t be loved for who I was… I had to have something more to get attention. It didn’t matter how much my parents loved and cherished me (which they did A TON!)… I was born with a natural tendency to sin and to want to be worshipped myself, rather than worship God. I was born with an innate desire to hear what God says, but to totally NOT believe any of it and look everywhere else- ANYWHERE else- but God for love and approval. Age 5-21 were the hardest most unsatisfying years of my life as I chased a false identity for one reason: to be needed and wanted by men.

I wanted to be the object of affection from the opposite sex from a young age. I wanted to be needed. I would do anything to get these things. Nowhere does our culture tell us that being a single woman is a joyful and wonderful experience. If anything, it tells us that the reasons for being a single woman are to show men that you don’t NEED them and you can make it for yourself without them. You can have your “Miss Independent” streak and shun away all attention from men all together. You can prove yourself. Well, I’m sorry. But, honestly, does this angry attempt at “Lone Success” truly make us happy women? What if we could be joyfully single? Patiently single? Single and still desiring the love and affection of an amazing man? I was anything but patient or happy.

I think deep down, we “independence seekers” are still unsatisfied because we were created with an intelligent design- with a radical opportunity to love and enjoy womanhood the way God has created it to be. Does this mean we should all be at home ironing and cooking with pink polka-dotted aprons until hubby and kiddies get home at the end of each day?! NO! Not at all! Perhaps for some, and that is perfectly ok if a woman feels called by God to serve her family and husband in this way. But this isn’t the only way, and its not mandatory for all Christian women. There is a biblical womanhood to be discovered, and it can be lived out in the working world, in politics, in schools, in hospitals, in the music business, in sales, the marketing world, in the home, and in so many other careers.

The sky is the limit with our God-given abilities as women, but it’s the motives and the heart behind why we’re living like we are- that determine if we’ll really be happy and satisfied or not. I think if we’re honest, at the end of the day, we’re all dying to be rescued and swept off our feet by the man of our dreams. Isn’t there a hidden desire in all of us women that wants to be rescued into the arms of a strong and trustworthy leader? I would find it hard to believe if women, at their true core, actually feel satisfied when they are doing the rescuing, date-asking and phone number grabbing.

Little did I know, I was this woman. But I grabbed guys’ attention in different ways than verbal requests for their presence across the table with me on a so-called date. I played the innocent “girl-next-door.” You know, the wholesome girl that people “desire for marriage.” The girl who you could just sit with and pour your heart out to, and she would comfort and listen. She would secretly gain more self-esteem from feeling needed by these relationships in her life. I liked being this girl. This girl that was hard to get, yet so soon would give anything to be in a serious relationship. If a guy EVER pursued me, I thought for about a millisecond before I nearly interrupted the invitation with a hearty and school-girlish: “Yes!” Almost as though I were being proposed to. I said yes as if my life depended on it- depended on assuring myself that I could get attention from men.

I have previously blogged about my struggle with irrational anger. I have no doubt that I will struggle with this again, but I am just now beginning to get to some deeper roots of where this anger is coming from. For most of my life, I have been defined by the amount of attention I could get from guys. As I begin to believe in different standards for who I am and how I am loved by God, I struggle to leave my old ways of thinking and believing. I struggle to believe that I am still worth something, I am still beautiful, and I am still wanted- even if Nick has to finish a work task, or even he would like to spend an hour reading his Popular Mechanics Magazine or spend a few hours playing racquetball at the U of M Rec Center with students. He does these things because he enjoys them, not because he desires them more than me. He would gladly cancel any of these things (and has!) to come running to my side to comfort me and be with me if I’m having a bad day. He will even come home from work for me!

He’s shown me over and over again that he truly cares and loves me more than anything in the world (besides God)… yet I still run to the lie that I’m not worthy of love unless I can remain the most attractive and desirable woman around. I place a lot of anxiety in maintaining this status- this status that says: Katie+ something = lovable. When God is saying to me in every moment: Katie + nothing = always lovable, now that I am saturated with the righteousness of Christ. This makes me worthy of love.

My dream is to be so changed by God’s love for me- His love that doesn’t ask or require me to add anything to who I already am- to believe so much in his grace covering all my shame and sin, that I am unaffected and unshaken if I am not wanted or “needed” by another person or my husband. I am the object of God’s affection all the time! Sadly, I am still living a lot of the time to be the object of someone else’s affection. Namely, my husband. I will love Nick better and be so much more gracious when I become a woman who finds her worth and identity in Christ before I look for my identity in my husband. I am confident that I am becoming this woman ONLY because God is faithful to me, though I go through trials and set-backs. The apostle Paul promises me that God is going to continue to work in me in Philippians Chapter 1.

Phil. 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Thanks for reading as I peel off the layers of myself and expose to you a rather broken and insecure girl, made confident and perfect through Jesus Christ… being made MORE like Him through my husband, Nick Stromwall. He is cuter, sweeter, more gracious, more helpful, more EVERYTHING than I ever dreamed in a the man I would marry. I don’t blame the media for my anger. I will take ownership for my sinful desires involved- my need to get approval, my desire to be perfectly physically attractive, my desire to be worshipped… its not getting these things that make me angry. When I get angry, I’m finding out, its because I am holding myself to a standard I cannot meet, or holding Nick to a standard that he cannot meet. Jesus Christ is the perfect resolution to our conflict. Jesus can meet all of our standards and provide for us a perfect relationship with Him alone, and we don’t have to meet any standards to get his love. We only have to believe that He is real and trustworthy to enter into a life-changing relationship with him.

We will still struggle, but we no longer have to give in to the dominion of sin and lies. Because of Christ, my idea of being a woman has been radically redefined. I can break free from the cultural lies I use to believe in and these recent patterns of anger. I hope that as I learn to believe that I am adored and desired by a perfect God that I will feel less angry and MUCH MORE GRACIOUS towards my husband when conflict arises. The more satisfied I am in God, the more I will give grace. Giving grace shows God’s mercy and kindness. Isn’t this what I want to show others?

I’m beginning to think so.

Quieted.

I can’t really think out loud, speak out loud, or process anything out loud. After a big fight in marriage after a constant few weeks without a big fight, I am quieted. I am slow to carry out any actions or sentences at all today.

I am meek today. Sober- minded. Outside looking into myself. It’s a confusing picture as I stare at me. Who is this girl? Why does she care about the things she cares about? Why is she always so unsatisfied with people and circumstances in this world? Why is she always looking in the wrong places to get joy and fulfillment? And why is she so dang sensitive and stubborn?

I don’t even know what the problem is. I don’t understand myself. Today, the thing that I am most afraid of is myself. When I am not satisfied or an expectation doesn’t get met, I become filled with anger. No one really knows this but my husband (and now you too). In our fight, I became so irrational and said all the words I now wish I could take back because in the heat of anger, I said things that weren’t true- things that hurt and cut deep. Why would I go down that road? I let sin consume me and turn into a fire in my heart. I let it burn, and its still burning. I am so weighed down in my sin today.

I am so selfish. I cry out for God’s forgiveness and he’ll freely give it. But I sure wont forgive others that fast. What is wrong with me? I’ve learned the gospel, let it saturate my brokenness and let it make me feel good, but I refuse to act gracious and forgiving to people like imperfect husbands and friends and family members, etc. I hate myself for this. When people hurt me, I invisibly stamp a sign on my forehead that says, “Hey you jerk! Now you owe me! Once you’ve made it up to me, I’ll start being nice again.” I counter-think to myself…ummm…Katie? Do you even know the depths of your own sin and how much grace you have been given? You hypocrite! Why have you set your expectations off the charts for relational perfection in your life? You can’t get that in human relationships! You were forgiven so you can forgive. So forgive already! Stop holding grudges and having the attitude that people owe you! No one owes you anything! You deserve Hell because of your sin, but Christ has chosen to have compassion and mercy on you and your sin-stained heart. He has purified you and erased all the sin. Can’t you forgive others like this?

I want to. I really do. I wish that I could become this way overnight. Yet, I know it is a lifelong process. The reality of eternity that is set upon my heart shows me that this life is really short and temporary, yet it feels soooooooooo long and like forever that I’ll be stuck in my immaturity.

I just want to escape today. I want to get out of here. Out of my skin. I want to be someone with a different temperament and a different outlook on circumstances and God. But I’m caught in the middle of a tornado it seems, circling around in the same patterns and crap and reacting to life in horrible ways.

I can walk out of our door and pretend to the world, but inside our apartment, the truth comes out. The truth that I’m not trusting in Christ or treasuring him. What happens is I start treasuring everything else and running to everything else to satisfy the deep longings in me, but none of these things can be my savior and promise me hope and a future, like Christ.

I’m just going to let it all out. I idolize Nick. I idolize relationships and social life. I think that they are Gods. I think that they will treat me exactly like Jesus does- with total care and tenderness and complete understanding. Where have I let myself go? I have begun to create a false idea of reality in my head. We are all sinful people and in need of a savior from it. The things I so often worship are not real God’s. My husband is not going to give me the total affections of Jesus, because he is only a human. He is finite in his ability to search and know me, like my God and Father. He does a pretty great job of this, but its those moments in which he cannot actually be God for me that I unleash the anger.

I need to take this afternoon and read God’s word and pray. I need to repent of the idolatry and obsessions in my life that are not God. I need to repent of my irrational anger and of the hurtful words that I spoke. I need to pray to feel the weight of Christ’s forgiveness. I need to pray to be slow to speak, slow to anger, and forgiving of others. I need to be quieted in my anger.

Still pressing on, though its deeply challenging today.

Thanks for reading- and of course- advice welcomed.

Friday Night Blues

Why is it that I can be having a great day and then within one second, my entire world falls apart? Here I am, in the aftermath of that second. In fact, whatever took place in that second is now ruining my entire night. Let me tell you how ridiculous I am.

So, all day, I have basically been a housewife. I’ve been doing laundry and cleaning and cooking. You know what I’m talking about. Fridays are my day off of work, so I basically take care of everything around the house on these days. There have been a few times when I’ve attempted to do all of these things and then some, in hopes to superly-duperly impress my incredibly organized, efficient, and structured husband. Previous to marriage, you would usually find me playing guitar, possibly wasting time, putting things off, and finding something creative and random to focus my attention on. So… I really like it when I can show that I do have it in me to be organized.

So, today, I went to his first racquetball game (and even video taped!), but I had to come home to finish our laundry since we live in an apartment and our laundry could get booted and we could get hated if we don’t get in and out of there fast, so I walked all the way back home and carried on with my housewifey duties.

Now, there have been previous Fridays in which Nick has come home from work and these tasks have been either in progress or not completed quite like I made it out to sound like, so he has been frustrated at times because he likes things organized and he likes it when people do what they say they are going to do. This is a great quality about Nick and makes him so great at what he does in his life, but it, at times, leaves me feeling really anxious about getting things done so that he feels our home is an organized and comfortable place to live. And, being newly married, I tend to put way too much emphasis and over-exaggeration into these mundane tasks. Rather than just being ok with the fact that I don’t do this perfectly at times, I run in the other direction saying, “Just watch! I will make this the best most organized place on this earth! Hmph!” or something bratty and ridiculous like that.

So this afternoon, while he was crushing his opponents in racquetball, I was putting all the laundry away, cleaning up all of the messes, organizing closets, and I prepared his dinner on the table so that he could have it when he got home (I assure you- I don’t do this every day! Usually, we just wing dinner and eat it together. I’m not typically the type to have our house all perfect-y when he arrives home). But this time, I was going to make it a treat for him, and I was sooooooooo excited!

Then, I get a call he’s moving on to finals in the tournament and that he got in touch with a student he is going to hang out with, so he tells me that he wont be coming home but he’s just going to go straight to the student event (which we were planning on going to together). On any given day, I could react like this: “Ok babe! Sounds great, see you there in about an hour!” But not today.

I reacted how I felt: crushed. I was putting so much hope into greeting him at the door and showering him with wifely affection and love and so looking forward to him getting home and feeling stress free. In my feeling crushed-ness, I began to make Nick my opponent. “Why didn’t you tell me you were meeting a student? I thought you were going to come home first! I had dinner all ready for you and I finally did everything I said I would!” I allowed myself to over-react to him just before his final rounds. Probably not the most loving thing for me to do, right? Well, I did it anyway. If he was going to let me down, then I was going to get even and angry.

Then, I started a really immature text message battle- you know, like I was back in the seventh grade again. And honestly, I have never began a snotty text message war with Nick- ever! But tonight I wanted to act 13. I texted with a lot of force the words, “I am staying home and I hope you have fun.” Then, I sent another just to make him mad, “I am really pissed.” And I kept going. “I had everything all ready for you and you’re just blowing me off!” My text messaging did nothing helpful, and currently I am planted on our white chair in our lonely apartment with candles still lit from being excited for hubby to come home, sulking and feeling really upset. But there is something in me that feels really selfish right now and not gracious towards my husband at all.

So, in one second a great day has turned into a crappy day. And, I know I’m guilty. I know that I am just self-pitying and deciding that this night is ruined. But, I am also realizing how insecure I am. I am not trusting in Christ for my identity, but I am putting my hope in two things: How college ministry is going and how much I can please my husband. Its like I think that these are the only two things that make up my self worth sometimes.

The truth of beginning college ministry is that it takes time for relationships to develop with students. If I don’t show up to an event with a new student, then my identity will feel less valuable because this is my job- to bring new students. Granted there are plenty of students going that I already know, but there is something special about bringing a new student. Bringing someone new into such a great world of friends and love is probably one of the greatest highs one could experience- watching someone who may not have found friends yet or may not believe in God experience God’s people and awesome friendships for the first time is what college ministry is all about! And I just feel crappy sometimes if I can’t bring someone new. I seek to live missionally- I don’t want the gospel just to change my life- but I want it to bring girls the same joy and freedoms I have experienced because of it. Wouldn’t it be great if I could put my hope in Christ and trust in Him, no matter my failures or successes- and even more- Nick’s failures and successes? If my ultimate hope was in a perfect God instead of imperfect people, I could react to my expectations not being met in such a flexible and forgiving way.

But here I am, stuck in the mud. I don’t have a student to bring tonight and I’m upset with Nick, so I don’t want to go to the annual “root-beer pong” tournament we have planned. I know, it sounds nerdy and its not the typical beer pong most people play, but it is a great time anyway. However, I suck at it since I lost nearly all rounds of real beer pong in college, so why go anyway? Except I really do like root-beer. But I’m mad. My expectation didn’t get met, and I’m moping around because of it.

I know I am being changed daily to be more like Christ, but it seems such a slow process. Marriage has been going so great lately, and then I have to declare it Friday Fight Night when I could have rolled with the punches , moved on, and greeted Nick at the student event all smiles.

But I’m selfish and putting my worth in all the wrong places.

My moral dilemma: If I’ve been radically forgiven by Christ for all of my short-comings and for all of the sin in my life, shouldn’t I freely give grace to those around me, especially my husband? AND- he didn’t even do anything intentionally wrong, so shouldn’t I forgive and forget?

Help.

We’ll Learn to Walk After We Learn to Crawl

Whew!  We’re surviving!  Three and a half months of marriage and the lens of which I see the world through continues to get bigger and bigger.  Why?  Because I am seeing that something that I thought was all about myself and my longings being fulfilled is about something much bigger and broader than myself and the little world in which I live.

So the first month of marriage was equally blissful as it was challenging.  If I could freeze month three, I would!  It is filled with God’s grace and blessings beyond what I thought imaginable in temporary human marriage.  Marriage takes work, and the past three months have been the greatest job of my life- getting to know Nick more deeply than any human bond on this earth, exposing myself completely before him, and getting to know my real savior amidst my loneliness, despair, and fear- Jesus Christ.  As I have grown closer to my first best friend, God himself, I have been shed with grace and an outpouring of love and care for my second best friend, Nick.

I never knew how much the simple, yet incredibly complex quest to enjoy God effects everything in my life, especially my marriage. When I don’t enjoy who God is, I don’t enjoy much else in life.  When I enjoy God, I enjoy everything.  I enjoy Nick. I enjoy living life with him.  I feel as though we are both forward positions on a soccer team, assisting each other for the next goal.  Sound cheesy?  Sorry.  Its just that I’m overjoyed after walking through some darker days of confusing goals.  Was I living to achieve perfection in marriage, or was I living to enjoy God with Nick on my team?  If I am honest, I’ll admit that I was living to achieve perfection in a human relationship- and I discovered all over again that its impossible.  With the help of many others, my goal has deviated from its unrealistic-ness into something attainable and even more satisfying- enjoying God!

It really feels like we’re apart of a team that is much bigger than Nick and me.  Its like the soccer ball got punted from the goalie, to the defender, kicked out of bounds, tossed back by a soccer dad, thrown in to the midfielder, passed to the forwards, and the people in our lives are sharing the ball all around, helping each other get to the goal- which I believe to be enjoying God and who He is and what he has given us.  At this very moment, each of us has the great challenge to enjoy God during whatever he has currently given us as a circumstance. For some of us, that’s marriage, for some- singleness, for others- overcoming addiction, and others- a difficult job, etc.  I don’t think we would be experiencing marital bliss in month three without surrounding ourselves with older, married couples on a more-than-weekly basis, otherwise known as the rest of our “team” as described above.

We discuss weekly (and sometimes more-than-weekly) the specifics of how marriage is doing with our marriage couples group.  Sometimes I show up holding Nick’s hand all cloud-nine-ish like and other times I show up in tears because of a big fight we’ve had, and I freely admit: “I’m not doing well” as the tears roll. The point being- we are average people tainted with sin, so we have conflict like every other relationship, and we have to work through it.  Sometimes that means working through emotions, fears, hurtful words, sinful tendencies, and downright anger.

To me, marriage is a fairy tale… but not the kind that you see in Disney movies.  Its better because, as my mom has shared with me, it is something you have to fight for daily.  Its better than the movies because it includes redemption as the main fuel for getting unbelievable joy and satisfaction in our marriage.  That may mean we have to work through hard days, weeks, months, and someday- maybe years- of conflict.  Nick and I are not above any sin in this world, making even the worst of tragedies possible for us.  This is why we have to fight. This is why we need you to fight with us!  Walking in the light and confessing sin honestly and openly with others paves the way for the redemption of the root causes of our arguments and imperfections.  Its what makes us change over time and makes months like month three full of marital bliss!  I am expressing my joy in this moment, while fully aware that month four could bring struggle and pain.  Whatever it brings, I’ll blog about it.  I’ll blog about how its really going and hopefully receive help along the way.

I don’t want it to sound as though marriage is bliss all of the time because if you could live with us day in and day out, you’d hear the arguments, you’d see the way that I hate to be confronted about my downfalls and throw two-year-old-like tantrums in which bobby-pins have been thrown, pillows have been punched, and long walks have been cool-down methods for the short-temperament that I have; you’d see the way Nick can be very concerned about things like getting gas before the tank runs out and planning, and you’d see the inconsistency in my overall life-effectiveness and to-do tasks.  You’d also see that Nick and I are total opposites on the spectrum of personality types… yet we share a common bond of grace from God which unites us so strongly amidst our sin and negative tendencies and makes coming together (otherwise known as: sex) truly a firework of daily sin being forgiven and loving someone though they are not your twin or ultimate being of love.

My sincere apologies if this is moving anyone to uncomfort.  I just wanted to give a real and authentic picture of what month three looks like for this thing called marriage, which God has called us to at this point of our pilgrimage in life.

It is a ride, and we are flying through the twists and turns seeking to have our hands up and open to whatever the Lord shall bring us through to make us more like Him.

Instead of thinking that marriage is about my ultimate and total satisfaction and happiness, I now see how fighting for marriage is what brings the satisfaction and happiness. Through working through our issues and short-comings, we see more of God’s faithfulness, and in turn, marriage is, on October 22, 2008, unspeakably satisfying.  Because we continue to be rescued by God’s grace and the help of others, I am filled with joy beyond words.  The fight will continue… and we’ll invite you through each step.

Month #1 and month #2 felt like incredibly slloooooowww crawling, but I think month three is showing signs of us at least standing up and holding on to something.  Perhaps walking is in sight?

If you have a story of redemption through a difficult trial, I’d love to hear about it!

Homeless Child

(An Excerpt from my personal journal)
Friday, August 08, 2008
1:49 PM

Father, thank you so much that you love me and forgive me- you shed on me your grace, which I am endlessly undeserving of. God, its amazing how you reach me. Amazing that you reach down to my cold, cold, cold heart. My heart that becomes a stone so fast. My heart that becomes undesirable of the only thing worth desiring- you. God, being married has revealed so much truth to me. It has shown me so much of how hurtful of a person I can be. And it has shown me such a picture of Jesus, of how much Nick forgives me and loves me and stands by my side. God, you are growing me, slowly, there is so much evidence of grace in my life. I am overwhelmed by the grace poured out on such a sinner. Its like when vanilla ice cream drowns underneath oodles of thick, chocolate fudge. I am the drowning vanilla ice cream. Your forgiveness clothes me like thick fudge.

Lord, I have been wandering, sinking, falling away from treasuring you. I have put my hope in things I own, put too much faith in flesh and bone, lived carelessly.

I am begging you Jesus to give me new perspective. Give me a new heart, new hands, new feet, a desire to give away my life.

Father, its taking all I am not break down and cry in Caribou right now. My heart is just so broken.  So confused about how being a Christian is possible when I am such a hypocrite. And yet- this is what being a Christian is. Being a hypocrite and being forgiven for it.