We’ll Learn to Walk After We Learn to Crawl

Whew!  We’re surviving!  Three and a half months of marriage and the lens of which I see the world through continues to get bigger and bigger.  Why?  Because I am seeing that something that I thought was all about myself and my longings being fulfilled is about something much bigger and broader than myself and the little world in which I live.

So the first month of marriage was equally blissful as it was challenging.  If I could freeze month three, I would!  It is filled with God’s grace and blessings beyond what I thought imaginable in temporary human marriage.  Marriage takes work, and the past three months have been the greatest job of my life- getting to know Nick more deeply than any human bond on this earth, exposing myself completely before him, and getting to know my real savior amidst my loneliness, despair, and fear- Jesus Christ.  As I have grown closer to my first best friend, God himself, I have been shed with grace and an outpouring of love and care for my second best friend, Nick.

I never knew how much the simple, yet incredibly complex quest to enjoy God effects everything in my life, especially my marriage. When I don’t enjoy who God is, I don’t enjoy much else in life.  When I enjoy God, I enjoy everything.  I enjoy Nick. I enjoy living life with him.  I feel as though we are both forward positions on a soccer team, assisting each other for the next goal.  Sound cheesy?  Sorry.  Its just that I’m overjoyed after walking through some darker days of confusing goals.  Was I living to achieve perfection in marriage, or was I living to enjoy God with Nick on my team?  If I am honest, I’ll admit that I was living to achieve perfection in a human relationship- and I discovered all over again that its impossible.  With the help of many others, my goal has deviated from its unrealistic-ness into something attainable and even more satisfying- enjoying God!

It really feels like we’re apart of a team that is much bigger than Nick and me.  Its like the soccer ball got punted from the goalie, to the defender, kicked out of bounds, tossed back by a soccer dad, thrown in to the midfielder, passed to the forwards, and the people in our lives are sharing the ball all around, helping each other get to the goal- which I believe to be enjoying God and who He is and what he has given us.  At this very moment, each of us has the great challenge to enjoy God during whatever he has currently given us as a circumstance. For some of us, that’s marriage, for some- singleness, for others- overcoming addiction, and others- a difficult job, etc.  I don’t think we would be experiencing marital bliss in month three without surrounding ourselves with older, married couples on a more-than-weekly basis, otherwise known as the rest of our “team” as described above.

We discuss weekly (and sometimes more-than-weekly) the specifics of how marriage is doing with our marriage couples group.  Sometimes I show up holding Nick’s hand all cloud-nine-ish like and other times I show up in tears because of a big fight we’ve had, and I freely admit: “I’m not doing well” as the tears roll. The point being- we are average people tainted with sin, so we have conflict like every other relationship, and we have to work through it.  Sometimes that means working through emotions, fears, hurtful words, sinful tendencies, and downright anger.

To me, marriage is a fairy tale… but not the kind that you see in Disney movies.  Its better because, as my mom has shared with me, it is something you have to fight for daily.  Its better than the movies because it includes redemption as the main fuel for getting unbelievable joy and satisfaction in our marriage.  That may mean we have to work through hard days, weeks, months, and someday- maybe years- of conflict.  Nick and I are not above any sin in this world, making even the worst of tragedies possible for us.  This is why we have to fight. This is why we need you to fight with us!  Walking in the light and confessing sin honestly and openly with others paves the way for the redemption of the root causes of our arguments and imperfections.  Its what makes us change over time and makes months like month three full of marital bliss!  I am expressing my joy in this moment, while fully aware that month four could bring struggle and pain.  Whatever it brings, I’ll blog about it.  I’ll blog about how its really going and hopefully receive help along the way.

I don’t want it to sound as though marriage is bliss all of the time because if you could live with us day in and day out, you’d hear the arguments, you’d see the way that I hate to be confronted about my downfalls and throw two-year-old-like tantrums in which bobby-pins have been thrown, pillows have been punched, and long walks have been cool-down methods for the short-temperament that I have; you’d see the way Nick can be very concerned about things like getting gas before the tank runs out and planning, and you’d see the inconsistency in my overall life-effectiveness and to-do tasks.  You’d also see that Nick and I are total opposites on the spectrum of personality types… yet we share a common bond of grace from God which unites us so strongly amidst our sin and negative tendencies and makes coming together (otherwise known as: sex) truly a firework of daily sin being forgiven and loving someone though they are not your twin or ultimate being of love.

My sincere apologies if this is moving anyone to uncomfort.  I just wanted to give a real and authentic picture of what month three looks like for this thing called marriage, which God has called us to at this point of our pilgrimage in life.

It is a ride, and we are flying through the twists and turns seeking to have our hands up and open to whatever the Lord shall bring us through to make us more like Him.

Instead of thinking that marriage is about my ultimate and total satisfaction and happiness, I now see how fighting for marriage is what brings the satisfaction and happiness. Through working through our issues and short-comings, we see more of God’s faithfulness, and in turn, marriage is, on October 22, 2008, unspeakably satisfying.  Because we continue to be rescued by God’s grace and the help of others, I am filled with joy beyond words.  The fight will continue… and we’ll invite you through each step.

Month #1 and month #2 felt like incredibly slloooooowww crawling, but I think month three is showing signs of us at least standing up and holding on to something.  Perhaps walking is in sight?

If you have a story of redemption through a difficult trial, I’d love to hear about it!

Attractive Geekiness

I married a geeky guy, but somehow the geekiness is super attractive to me.  Or maybe I am that geeky too, but I just think of myself as cooler than I really am.  Nick is currently sitting next to me reading a book called “How to Get Things Done.”  He would.  Me on the other hand?  You’ll never catch me reading that.  But I sort of get to read it indirectly, since I glance over about every third page to find headlines of chapters like “Electronic Note-taking,” which technically means I’ll probably become more productive and smarter since its two feet from my head. I’ll get the jist, right?  Every time I see him reading “Popular Science” or books like, “How to Get Things Done,”  I’m strangely attracted.  I internally laugh and categorize him as geeky, but I think that’s my surfacy way of channeling my deep admiration for his character, intelligence, and determination in life.  I’ve come to a conclusion: Cool people are attracted to geeky people.  I love my geeky hubby.

Date Day

I love Saturdays.  Why?  Because I get to spend it with Nick doing something either random, surprising, planned, or spontaneous- sometimes just us and sometimes we hang out with others.  Whatever we do on Saturdays, we do it together.  This past Saturday, we went to Afton Apple Orchard and walked through giant corn stalks and got slightly angry because we got lost in the corn maze.  When we finally got out, I felt like that feeling when you win something.  Kinda dumb, I know, but it felt really cool to finish a corn maze!    Here are the pics…

Lots-a-big-corn!

The love of my life!

Redemptive Community

Yesterday and today I woke up with a kick in my spirit, unlike any kicks I’ve experienced recently. Days are rare when we can wake up and feel excited and eager for life. I have felt overjoyed this past weekend, and I cannot express how thankful I am. I attribute it to the people that surrounded me this past weekend and the way that they motivate me to live life.

There is something that living in community does to my spirit. Living in community can also be challenging because sin easily taints the beauty of relationships. But redemptive community is different. It is a group with two things in common that can bond a human soul faster than any other commonalities I’ve known in relationships. 1) We are all sinners to the same degree. 2) We are all forgiven and made righteous through Christ. This makes these relationships a lot different than relationships built upon other standards. This makes these relationships out-of-this-world, literally. These kind of relationships don’t exist naturally in the world. They only exist when both people in a relationship have experienced the radical forgiveness of Christ. This makes these relationships full of freedom, honesty and forgiveness.  This makes these relationships all about celebrating life- because its forever!  A side note:  My friend Mary and I decided we never would have been friends unless we shared the bond of Christ- pretty funny huh?  Now she stands as my ex-roommate (only because I got married!) of two years and a dear friend who stood by me in my wedding.  Anywho…

As a part of the human condition, we have a natural tendency to only hold on to relationships if they can give us what we feel we need and deserve. I’ve realized I wake up each day with expectations from certain relationships. What I don’t often do is consider the after math of when one of my expectations doesn’t get met. How will I react to the failure of myself as a friend and the failure of others as my friends?

I Love Fall

…and photography.  Nick is very good at it.  He’s been experimenting with our camera recently.  These are some cool “color captured” pictures.  We went to the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum with our friends, Erin, Bobby, and Payton.  Sometimes the best days are spent unplugging, walking around staring into God’s beautiful creation, having great conversations.  On this day, I noticed: it is fall.  I looked back to who I was this summer, and something hit me; I am changing a lot.  Who I was a few months ago has evolved into who I am now.  I will continue to change and grow with each new day of my entire life.  Each new season is evidence that God is ALL about the process of change… seasons don’t just change overnight… they evolve from one to the next, slowly and carefully… sometimes through a lot of storms.  We wouldn’t appreciate the quiet sunshine or a rainbow as much if we didn’t experience the rough of the storm…I love that God is always changing everything… even us.

The Minnesota Landscape Arberetum: http://www.arboretum.umn.edu/

Here are some pictures from a recent fall outing to the arboretum…

Erin and her daughter Payton

Nick and me

Trying to capture *pink*

Big and Red

Yellow and sunlight

Climbing Rocks!

Spiritual Rebellion

Right now I am sitting in a North Shore Hotel Room. Lake Superior is staring at me through the window as if it is the whole world, as if I am floating in it. Its beautiful. It is August. I really love this month, I’ve decided. It’s a month in which things that are slow become slower before everything begins moving faster. And the air turns into something warm enough for comfort, but refreshing enough to make you wear jeans instead of shorts.

I am really enjoying my husband right now. I am really enjoying learning this week at the Campus Outreach Staff Retreat. Time with older, wiser people has been so nourishing, eye-opening, and heart-awakening. My favorite part has been devotions because people have made themselves very vulnerable, transparent and real. During devotions, staff have shared about insecurities, sinful tendencies, and how God is finding them in the midst of it all.

Campus Outreach Minneapolis Staff Team

I have been going through a lot of spiritual ups and downs- for example- the other morning, Nick and I woke up, and he wanted to journal and read the bible. My first reaction was anger.  The truth is that our marriage is going to better if Nick (and me) make time for God like this.  So why did I feel angry at such a peaceful attempt to start the day?  Because… I feared… he loved something MORE than…me! The truth is- He DOES (and should!) love something more than me- His creator, His King, His Shepard, His source of strength. I was selfishly upset at the thought of my husband starting off his day with God rather than gazing into my eyes all googly and newly-marriedly- like.  Trust me- we do plenty of this as newly-weds, so skipping this routine, which usually takes place during the groggy moments of pressing our snooze button, would really be alright.  I could have joined him in pursuit of the Lord that morning, but somehow I thought throwing a pity party was a better idea.

Afraid to Blog

The truth is, I’ve been keeping this a secret from you.  In fact, I’ve had a blog page for almost a year and haven’t sent the link to anyone because…well… I am afraid to blog.

Writing tends to be an outlet for me in which I make myself pretty exposed and vulnerable.  Inviting people into my life this up close produces some fear in me.  The fear is that if people know the real me, the real and raw thoughts,  they could all gather around in a large circle and mock me. The fear goes deeper. The fear of not being approved of. The fear of losing human affirmation. The fear of wanting so badly to be liked but realizing that some people may not always like what I think or say.  So I am taking on a great challenge by blogging!   Exposing some pretty personal struggles and experiences- and now I will be held accountable for it!

I want to be transparent, sort of like a window.  If people know the real me, they can help me learn to live.  Hopefully these experiences will help others to learn to live too.  At very least, may it be a form of multimedia entertainment.

Thanks for visiting!

Love,

Katie

Dreamland

So it seems… that I spend a lot of my time in dreamland. It can look a lot of different ways. Me running down the street, dreaming of one day running with a body like the one that just surpassed me on East River Parkway. Or me sitting in a puddle of self pity after I’ve realized I’ve just blown off a scheduled coffee date with a friend because I double booked amidst the craziness of wedding planning and grad school. Or me sitting on a bench waiting for the bus, staring into the sky imagining “Super Katie,” who is inevitably much better than the actual Katie awaiting the bus. Or how about this one? The dream of “Princess Katie-” I’m walking down the isle to marry my prince (also known as Nick Stromwall)- The dream is perfect. I am smiling with a really cheesy wedding smile, I have a great tan going, there’s marvelous music playing, I’m thin, my teeth are so white you are surely going blind if you’re look at them, I finally have that freckle removed so I wont look completely covered in freckles when my strapless dress reveals that I actually have more freckles than any other person on the face of the planet, oh- and there’s this glow in the air, and Nick is flawlessly googling his eyes at me as I perfectly prance down the isle like Tinker Bell.

Bamb! Like the strike of mid-night in Disney’s Cinderella, my dream, most likely conducted by an unending collection of bridal magazines ,is awakened by the notorious interruption of my cell phone. Ok. Let me float down in my parachute for a second while you look for my glass slipper.

Welcome!

This is cool. And free. So I saw this web-page template and thought, “Hey! Why not?” I use to think blogging was weird. I guess I’ve had a recent paradigm shift. I like to write and usually express myself better this way. I want to share the things that I’ve learned in college with other people. I want to learn what other people are learning in life too. Please enjoy this transparent view of life lessons- many of which I have learned through making mistakes.

Nitty Gritty

Nitty Gritty.  Sound catchy?  Its a word I love/hate.  Its appealing because it implies something along the lines of juicy and almost scandelous.  Its unappealing because it implies a sense of honesty I do not want to confront most days.  I don’t naturally want to get “nitty gritty” with those around me.  Translation? I don’t want to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I want to bend it, cover it with sweet looking daisies blowing in a perfectly tranquil far away meadow and frosting so thick you can’t tell if its a chocolate or marble cake underneath.  Maybe that’s what this term “nitty gritty” is getting at: what’s underneath.

Underneath what?  If you find me trying to confront a serious life issue or finish a weighty graduate assignment past 10 o’clock p.m. on any given night, you’ll see what’s underneath.  If you do not hold the title of roommate or fiance in my life, you probably don’t get to see my personal rendition of “nitty gritty.” Usually during one of these freak-out attacks, my computer is dying or making some awful noise, while my printer shoots out paper at me with weird words I didn’t even type.  Great.  Just when I need to finish that resume or that thirty page portfolio. The day’s mascera is no longer voluminizing my eye-lashes, but serving as warpaint afloat my soaking wet cheeks.

In these late hours of despair, I come undone.  I’d like to think I was frolicking with the daisies in that tranquil meadow, and I’d like to tell you that’s how I’m really doing.  But that just wouldn’t be telling you the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

So I want to become more transparent.  Why do I need to hide?  Pretend?  Cheat? Lie?  Declare me guilty of all of the above. But what’s uneblievable– is that I’m forgiven– this is the hope that I can cling to to become more real with others.  The more I realize that my sins are forgiven, that they are washed away by the graciousness and mercy of God, the more nitty gritty I can be.  I can tell you the whole truth, where white lies do not have to make me look just a little bit better.

(to be continued…)