Homeless Child

(An Excerpt from my personal journal)
Friday, August 08, 2008
1:49 PM

Father, thank you so much that you love me and forgive me- you shed on me your grace, which I am endlessly undeserving of. God, its amazing how you reach me. Amazing that you reach down to my cold, cold, cold heart. My heart that becomes a stone so fast. My heart that becomes undesirable of the only thing worth desiring- you. God, being married has revealed so much truth to me. It has shown me so much of how hurtful of a person I can be. And it has shown me such a picture of Jesus, of how much Nick forgives me and loves me and stands by my side. God, you are growing me, slowly, there is so much evidence of grace in my life. I am overwhelmed by the grace poured out on such a sinner. Its like when vanilla ice cream drowns underneath oodles of thick, chocolate fudge. I am the drowning vanilla ice cream. Your forgiveness clothes me like thick fudge.

Lord, I have been wandering, sinking, falling away from treasuring you. I have put my hope in things I own, put too much faith in flesh and bone, lived carelessly.

I am begging you Jesus to give me new perspective. Give me a new heart, new hands, new feet, a desire to give away my life.

Father, its taking all I am not break down and cry in Caribou right now. My heart is just so broken.  So confused about how being a Christian is possible when I am such a hypocrite. And yet- this is what being a Christian is. Being a hypocrite and being forgiven for it.