One Year Anniversary Getaway!

Nick's Cabin. New Auburn, WI. Me lighting the grill! I look like I've done this before, right?

The porch was quite the restful haven. We played lots of songs and sang and wrote. Definitely fun!

Cruisin'.

I like this pic. I feel like it reflects the plea of my heart... seeking light and freedom... seeking wisdom and glory from this great God of mercy. That is what marriage has really taught me. To seek. To ask for what I do not have. To glimpse moments of becoming complete in Him, of being healed by Him. The light in this pic is much like the light that Jesus has kindled in our marriage. He continues to shine on us, bless us and rescue us as we wrestle this battle of sin and life daily.

My baby lighting the fire. Good job baby!

We made blueberry/banana pancakes for breakfast... mmm mmm very good I must say.

We ate dinner at the "Larabee Lodge." If that doesn't sound hick-ish, I don't know what does! Beautiful view, no? Shortly after, Nick whooped me in a game of pig on the outdoor bball court. Not cool.

Awww. I am a lucky girl to be so loved.

I guess I love him too. Just a lil' bit.

The lovely weekend ended in a deep scrub down of the entire cabin... I couldn't resist. Much like God has used marriage in so many ways to deeply clean and scrub me too! I know that sounds wierd... but roll with me peeps. After one year, I am SO THANKFUL the Lord has revealed so much of my need for Him to come and remove old things still festering deep within me. Things that I stubbornly and angrily don't want the Lord to see or change, but then He DOES it, He changes me daily, and I am a transformed woman by Christ in our marriage every morning. Our marriage is entirely a different relationship after one year of growing together. It has been hard, sweet, emotional, blessed, and so rich with God's faithfulness. I know the deep scrubs will keep coming over the years... and I am watching the Lord change me from a stubborn and angry surrenderer to a willing and humbled surrendering woman. I am so thankful for my husband, Nck, who loves me and adores me. There's no words to describe waking up to the likeness of Christ. Thank you, Jesus, for this man who gives His whole heart and mind to you and leads me through this life. Amen for the first year of marriage!

My Life In Pictures!

This has been my resting place as of late. God pours His light through this window, and I have been spending time processing through a lot of things journaling and reading here. I am thankful for a season to rest and feed on His Word.

I have spent almost ever free moment I have in this musical corner pouring out my heart to the Lord in song. His grace and pursuit of my heart has overwhelmed me with the reality of Jesus. Writing and recording is my rather introverted way of trying to be extraverted about how AMAZING Jesus is!

Our kindergarteners at Hope Academy graduated! Praise the Lord for these blessed children of the city.

Nick surprised me randomly with this binder filled with worship song guitar tabs and lyrics. He spent weeks copying hundreds of songs from our church and compiling them into this huge purple thing! He is so thoughtful, and I am so thankful God gave me this husband!

We spent a day in Stillwater, a quaint riverside town in MN

Nick and I have had to forgive each other more than we ever thought we'd have to in these past few months. It is sweet seeing God's grace change us and redeem our marriage again and again. After our sin being revealed so transparently and vulnerably, its amazing I still love Him, and He still loves me! Only through knowing a merciful God is this possible. Thank you, Jesus.

I am a now a hair-stylist! This was so fun. I did my cousin Hannah's hair for her prom! I love this girl

My first "boy" hair-cut! Yes, I cut Nick's hair for the first time. Downside: Our floor was really hairy You like? I think he's pretty cute if you ask me.

Quieted.

I can’t really think out loud, speak out loud, or process anything out loud. After a big fight in marriage after a constant few weeks without a big fight, I am quieted. I am slow to carry out any actions or sentences at all today.

I am meek today. Sober- minded. Outside looking into myself. It’s a confusing picture as I stare at me. Who is this girl? Why does she care about the things she cares about? Why is she always so unsatisfied with people and circumstances in this world? Why is she always looking in the wrong places to get joy and fulfillment? And why is she so dang sensitive and stubborn?

I don’t even know what the problem is. I don’t understand myself. Today, the thing that I am most afraid of is myself. When I am not satisfied or an expectation doesn’t get met, I become filled with anger. No one really knows this but my husband (and now you too). In our fight, I became so irrational and said all the words I now wish I could take back because in the heat of anger, I said things that weren’t true- things that hurt and cut deep. Why would I go down that road? I let sin consume me and turn into a fire in my heart. I let it burn, and its still burning. I am so weighed down in my sin today.

I am so selfish. I cry out for God’s forgiveness and he’ll freely give it. But I sure wont forgive others that fast. What is wrong with me? I’ve learned the gospel, let it saturate my brokenness and let it make me feel good, but I refuse to act gracious and forgiving to people like imperfect husbands and friends and family members, etc. I hate myself for this. When people hurt me, I invisibly stamp a sign on my forehead that says, “Hey you jerk! Now you owe me! Once you’ve made it up to me, I’ll start being nice again.” I counter-think to myself…ummm…Katie? Do you even know the depths of your own sin and how much grace you have been given? You hypocrite! Why have you set your expectations off the charts for relational perfection in your life? You can’t get that in human relationships! You were forgiven so you can forgive. So forgive already! Stop holding grudges and having the attitude that people owe you! No one owes you anything! You deserve Hell because of your sin, but Christ has chosen to have compassion and mercy on you and your sin-stained heart. He has purified you and erased all the sin. Can’t you forgive others like this?

I want to. I really do. I wish that I could become this way overnight. Yet, I know it is a lifelong process. The reality of eternity that is set upon my heart shows me that this life is really short and temporary, yet it feels soooooooooo long and like forever that I’ll be stuck in my immaturity.

I just want to escape today. I want to get out of here. Out of my skin. I want to be someone with a different temperament and a different outlook on circumstances and God. But I’m caught in the middle of a tornado it seems, circling around in the same patterns and crap and reacting to life in horrible ways.

I can walk out of our door and pretend to the world, but inside our apartment, the truth comes out. The truth that I’m not trusting in Christ or treasuring him. What happens is I start treasuring everything else and running to everything else to satisfy the deep longings in me, but none of these things can be my savior and promise me hope and a future, like Christ.

I’m just going to let it all out. I idolize Nick. I idolize relationships and social life. I think that they are Gods. I think that they will treat me exactly like Jesus does- with total care and tenderness and complete understanding. Where have I let myself go? I have begun to create a false idea of reality in my head. We are all sinful people and in need of a savior from it. The things I so often worship are not real God’s. My husband is not going to give me the total affections of Jesus, because he is only a human. He is finite in his ability to search and know me, like my God and Father. He does a pretty great job of this, but its those moments in which he cannot actually be God for me that I unleash the anger.

I need to take this afternoon and read God’s word and pray. I need to repent of the idolatry and obsessions in my life that are not God. I need to repent of my irrational anger and of the hurtful words that I spoke. I need to pray to feel the weight of Christ’s forgiveness. I need to pray to be slow to speak, slow to anger, and forgiving of others. I need to be quieted in my anger.

Still pressing on, though its deeply challenging today.

Thanks for reading- and of course- advice welcomed.

Glorious Grace

I am thankful for the Friday Night Blues I had two days ago. They led me to a total revelation of my insecurities and false places I place my worth, which revealed so many deeper things going on inside of my heart. When Nick came home Friday night, I was messing around with cool vintage paper, my recipe book, a glue stick, magazine clippings, and cool pens. Crafts ease my mind and allow my creative juices to run wild, rather than allowing myself to run wild. Nick came home and sat next to me, held my hands, rubbed my back and calmly asked me how I was doing while apologizing for the night’s miscommunication. It was very much glorious grace.

This is a pattern I am getting use to in my life. Searching for joy in the wrong places + measuring my self worth based on my works + getting angry and unleashing sin+ processing conflict+ realizing I’m not satisfied+ REPENTANCE = Receiving glorious grace and Christ’s righteousness covering all of my insecurities and sin. However, it is very much a wrestling match between believing lies and believing truth. It takes all I am to believe fully that God’s grace completely removes me from condemnation and punishment. I am totally freed because of Christ’s perfect life given to me and his death, which bore the wrath for all of my sin. It is finished. There is nothing more I have to do to gain his worth and love. Nothing. I’m free. But I have to knock down the wall of lies to believe it.

As the pattern continues, I continue to learn more about myself and God- and I’m slowly seeing myself change! Nick is honestly the best catalyst to my growth and change as a person and as a Christian. Being in such close relationship with him has revealed so many things inside of me that was sneakily hidden before marriage. Because of the natural level of accountability spouses bring each other, I am forced to look myself in the heart and examine. The deeper I am exposed, the more grace I see! I am flippant and swayed by emotions and circumstances (if that’s not obvious!), but God remains steadfast and unchanging in his love. Whew! I am so blessed.

As the Friday Night Blues were coming to an end, I poured out my heart and insecurities, Nick listened- much like I would imagine Jesus listens to us when we pour our hearts out to him. After a good cry, he began helping me with the recording equipment he surprised me with a few weeks after getting married. As he fuddled with the computer, microphone and piano, we finally figured out how to record! I played and sang while he played around with the computer program. I love writing songs and singing. Nick loves computers. A match made in heaven? I think so.

After facing the truth- that I have been rescued by God’s grace and shown mercy amidst my sin and rebellion of God- I eventually shed this grace upon Nick, and he shed grace upon me as well within minutes of him walking in the door. Honestly, I can’t imagine what marriage would be like without this understanding- that we are both deeply sinful and the only way we can truly forgive each other is because we have first been forgiven. Right now, I am trusting in Romans 8:1-2 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”

Even though I had the Friday Night Blues because of a combination of expectations not being met, a sinful heart and insecurities, I have been set free from it all in Christ. Because of this glorious grace, Nick and I have been able to (after processing through deeper issues and sin) forgive and forget.

I am on the lifelong journey to hope in God instead of in things, people, marriage, how I look, how others perceive me, etc.

Thanks for being on this slow and awesome journey with me.

Friday Night Blues

Why is it that I can be having a great day and then within one second, my entire world falls apart? Here I am, in the aftermath of that second. In fact, whatever took place in that second is now ruining my entire night. Let me tell you how ridiculous I am.

So, all day, I have basically been a housewife. I’ve been doing laundry and cleaning and cooking. You know what I’m talking about. Fridays are my day off of work, so I basically take care of everything around the house on these days. There have been a few times when I’ve attempted to do all of these things and then some, in hopes to superly-duperly impress my incredibly organized, efficient, and structured husband. Previous to marriage, you would usually find me playing guitar, possibly wasting time, putting things off, and finding something creative and random to focus my attention on. So… I really like it when I can show that I do have it in me to be organized.

So, today, I went to his first racquetball game (and even video taped!), but I had to come home to finish our laundry since we live in an apartment and our laundry could get booted and we could get hated if we don’t get in and out of there fast, so I walked all the way back home and carried on with my housewifey duties.

Now, there have been previous Fridays in which Nick has come home from work and these tasks have been either in progress or not completed quite like I made it out to sound like, so he has been frustrated at times because he likes things organized and he likes it when people do what they say they are going to do. This is a great quality about Nick and makes him so great at what he does in his life, but it, at times, leaves me feeling really anxious about getting things done so that he feels our home is an organized and comfortable place to live. And, being newly married, I tend to put way too much emphasis and over-exaggeration into these mundane tasks. Rather than just being ok with the fact that I don’t do this perfectly at times, I run in the other direction saying, “Just watch! I will make this the best most organized place on this earth! Hmph!” or something bratty and ridiculous like that.

So this afternoon, while he was crushing his opponents in racquetball, I was putting all the laundry away, cleaning up all of the messes, organizing closets, and I prepared his dinner on the table so that he could have it when he got home (I assure you- I don’t do this every day! Usually, we just wing dinner and eat it together. I’m not typically the type to have our house all perfect-y when he arrives home). But this time, I was going to make it a treat for him, and I was sooooooooo excited!

Then, I get a call he’s moving on to finals in the tournament and that he got in touch with a student he is going to hang out with, so he tells me that he wont be coming home but he’s just going to go straight to the student event (which we were planning on going to together). On any given day, I could react like this: “Ok babe! Sounds great, see you there in about an hour!” But not today.

I reacted how I felt: crushed. I was putting so much hope into greeting him at the door and showering him with wifely affection and love and so looking forward to him getting home and feeling stress free. In my feeling crushed-ness, I began to make Nick my opponent. “Why didn’t you tell me you were meeting a student? I thought you were going to come home first! I had dinner all ready for you and I finally did everything I said I would!” I allowed myself to over-react to him just before his final rounds. Probably not the most loving thing for me to do, right? Well, I did it anyway. If he was going to let me down, then I was going to get even and angry.

Then, I started a really immature text message battle- you know, like I was back in the seventh grade again. And honestly, I have never began a snotty text message war with Nick- ever! But tonight I wanted to act 13. I texted with a lot of force the words, “I am staying home and I hope you have fun.” Then, I sent another just to make him mad, “I am really pissed.” And I kept going. “I had everything all ready for you and you’re just blowing me off!” My text messaging did nothing helpful, and currently I am planted on our white chair in our lonely apartment with candles still lit from being excited for hubby to come home, sulking and feeling really upset. But there is something in me that feels really selfish right now and not gracious towards my husband at all.

So, in one second a great day has turned into a crappy day. And, I know I’m guilty. I know that I am just self-pitying and deciding that this night is ruined. But, I am also realizing how insecure I am. I am not trusting in Christ for my identity, but I am putting my hope in two things: How college ministry is going and how much I can please my husband. Its like I think that these are the only two things that make up my self worth sometimes.

The truth of beginning college ministry is that it takes time for relationships to develop with students. If I don’t show up to an event with a new student, then my identity will feel less valuable because this is my job- to bring new students. Granted there are plenty of students going that I already know, but there is something special about bringing a new student. Bringing someone new into such a great world of friends and love is probably one of the greatest highs one could experience- watching someone who may not have found friends yet or may not believe in God experience God’s people and awesome friendships for the first time is what college ministry is all about! And I just feel crappy sometimes if I can’t bring someone new. I seek to live missionally- I don’t want the gospel just to change my life- but I want it to bring girls the same joy and freedoms I have experienced because of it. Wouldn’t it be great if I could put my hope in Christ and trust in Him, no matter my failures or successes- and even more- Nick’s failures and successes? If my ultimate hope was in a perfect God instead of imperfect people, I could react to my expectations not being met in such a flexible and forgiving way.

But here I am, stuck in the mud. I don’t have a student to bring tonight and I’m upset with Nick, so I don’t want to go to the annual “root-beer pong” tournament we have planned. I know, it sounds nerdy and its not the typical beer pong most people play, but it is a great time anyway. However, I suck at it since I lost nearly all rounds of real beer pong in college, so why go anyway? Except I really do like root-beer. But I’m mad. My expectation didn’t get met, and I’m moping around because of it.

I know I am being changed daily to be more like Christ, but it seems such a slow process. Marriage has been going so great lately, and then I have to declare it Friday Fight Night when I could have rolled with the punches , moved on, and greeted Nick at the student event all smiles.

But I’m selfish and putting my worth in all the wrong places.

My moral dilemma: If I’ve been radically forgiven by Christ for all of my short-comings and for all of the sin in my life, shouldn’t I freely give grace to those around me, especially my husband? AND- he didn’t even do anything intentionally wrong, so shouldn’t I forgive and forget?

Help.

We’ll Learn to Walk After We Learn to Crawl

Whew!  We’re surviving!  Three and a half months of marriage and the lens of which I see the world through continues to get bigger and bigger.  Why?  Because I am seeing that something that I thought was all about myself and my longings being fulfilled is about something much bigger and broader than myself and the little world in which I live.

So the first month of marriage was equally blissful as it was challenging.  If I could freeze month three, I would!  It is filled with God’s grace and blessings beyond what I thought imaginable in temporary human marriage.  Marriage takes work, and the past three months have been the greatest job of my life- getting to know Nick more deeply than any human bond on this earth, exposing myself completely before him, and getting to know my real savior amidst my loneliness, despair, and fear- Jesus Christ.  As I have grown closer to my first best friend, God himself, I have been shed with grace and an outpouring of love and care for my second best friend, Nick.

I never knew how much the simple, yet incredibly complex quest to enjoy God effects everything in my life, especially my marriage. When I don’t enjoy who God is, I don’t enjoy much else in life.  When I enjoy God, I enjoy everything.  I enjoy Nick. I enjoy living life with him.  I feel as though we are both forward positions on a soccer team, assisting each other for the next goal.  Sound cheesy?  Sorry.  Its just that I’m overjoyed after walking through some darker days of confusing goals.  Was I living to achieve perfection in marriage, or was I living to enjoy God with Nick on my team?  If I am honest, I’ll admit that I was living to achieve perfection in a human relationship- and I discovered all over again that its impossible.  With the help of many others, my goal has deviated from its unrealistic-ness into something attainable and even more satisfying- enjoying God!

It really feels like we’re apart of a team that is much bigger than Nick and me.  Its like the soccer ball got punted from the goalie, to the defender, kicked out of bounds, tossed back by a soccer dad, thrown in to the midfielder, passed to the forwards, and the people in our lives are sharing the ball all around, helping each other get to the goal- which I believe to be enjoying God and who He is and what he has given us.  At this very moment, each of us has the great challenge to enjoy God during whatever he has currently given us as a circumstance. For some of us, that’s marriage, for some- singleness, for others- overcoming addiction, and others- a difficult job, etc.  I don’t think we would be experiencing marital bliss in month three without surrounding ourselves with older, married couples on a more-than-weekly basis, otherwise known as the rest of our “team” as described above.

We discuss weekly (and sometimes more-than-weekly) the specifics of how marriage is doing with our marriage couples group.  Sometimes I show up holding Nick’s hand all cloud-nine-ish like and other times I show up in tears because of a big fight we’ve had, and I freely admit: “I’m not doing well” as the tears roll. The point being- we are average people tainted with sin, so we have conflict like every other relationship, and we have to work through it.  Sometimes that means working through emotions, fears, hurtful words, sinful tendencies, and downright anger.

To me, marriage is a fairy tale… but not the kind that you see in Disney movies.  Its better because, as my mom has shared with me, it is something you have to fight for daily.  Its better than the movies because it includes redemption as the main fuel for getting unbelievable joy and satisfaction in our marriage.  That may mean we have to work through hard days, weeks, months, and someday- maybe years- of conflict.  Nick and I are not above any sin in this world, making even the worst of tragedies possible for us.  This is why we have to fight. This is why we need you to fight with us!  Walking in the light and confessing sin honestly and openly with others paves the way for the redemption of the root causes of our arguments and imperfections.  Its what makes us change over time and makes months like month three full of marital bliss!  I am expressing my joy in this moment, while fully aware that month four could bring struggle and pain.  Whatever it brings, I’ll blog about it.  I’ll blog about how its really going and hopefully receive help along the way.

I don’t want it to sound as though marriage is bliss all of the time because if you could live with us day in and day out, you’d hear the arguments, you’d see the way that I hate to be confronted about my downfalls and throw two-year-old-like tantrums in which bobby-pins have been thrown, pillows have been punched, and long walks have been cool-down methods for the short-temperament that I have; you’d see the way Nick can be very concerned about things like getting gas before the tank runs out and planning, and you’d see the inconsistency in my overall life-effectiveness and to-do tasks.  You’d also see that Nick and I are total opposites on the spectrum of personality types… yet we share a common bond of grace from God which unites us so strongly amidst our sin and negative tendencies and makes coming together (otherwise known as: sex) truly a firework of daily sin being forgiven and loving someone though they are not your twin or ultimate being of love.

My sincere apologies if this is moving anyone to uncomfort.  I just wanted to give a real and authentic picture of what month three looks like for this thing called marriage, which God has called us to at this point of our pilgrimage in life.

It is a ride, and we are flying through the twists and turns seeking to have our hands up and open to whatever the Lord shall bring us through to make us more like Him.

Instead of thinking that marriage is about my ultimate and total satisfaction and happiness, I now see how fighting for marriage is what brings the satisfaction and happiness. Through working through our issues and short-comings, we see more of God’s faithfulness, and in turn, marriage is, on October 22, 2008, unspeakably satisfying.  Because we continue to be rescued by God’s grace and the help of others, I am filled with joy beyond words.  The fight will continue… and we’ll invite you through each step.

Month #1 and month #2 felt like incredibly slloooooowww crawling, but I think month three is showing signs of us at least standing up and holding on to something.  Perhaps walking is in sight?

If you have a story of redemption through a difficult trial, I’d love to hear about it!

Attractive Geekiness

I married a geeky guy, but somehow the geekiness is super attractive to me.  Or maybe I am that geeky too, but I just think of myself as cooler than I really am.  Nick is currently sitting next to me reading a book called “How to Get Things Done.”  He would.  Me on the other hand?  You’ll never catch me reading that.  But I sort of get to read it indirectly, since I glance over about every third page to find headlines of chapters like “Electronic Note-taking,” which technically means I’ll probably become more productive and smarter since its two feet from my head. I’ll get the jist, right?  Every time I see him reading “Popular Science” or books like, “How to Get Things Done,”  I’m strangely attracted.  I internally laugh and categorize him as geeky, but I think that’s my surfacy way of channeling my deep admiration for his character, intelligence, and determination in life.  I’ve come to a conclusion: Cool people are attracted to geeky people.  I love my geeky hubby.

Spiritual Rebellion

Right now I am sitting in a North Shore Hotel Room. Lake Superior is staring at me through the window as if it is the whole world, as if I am floating in it. Its beautiful. It is August. I really love this month, I’ve decided. It’s a month in which things that are slow become slower before everything begins moving faster. And the air turns into something warm enough for comfort, but refreshing enough to make you wear jeans instead of shorts.

I am really enjoying my husband right now. I am really enjoying learning this week at the Campus Outreach Staff Retreat. Time with older, wiser people has been so nourishing, eye-opening, and heart-awakening. My favorite part has been devotions because people have made themselves very vulnerable, transparent and real. During devotions, staff have shared about insecurities, sinful tendencies, and how God is finding them in the midst of it all.

Campus Outreach Minneapolis Staff Team

I have been going through a lot of spiritual ups and downs- for example- the other morning, Nick and I woke up, and he wanted to journal and read the bible. My first reaction was anger.  The truth is that our marriage is going to better if Nick (and me) make time for God like this.  So why did I feel angry at such a peaceful attempt to start the day?  Because… I feared… he loved something MORE than…me! The truth is- He DOES (and should!) love something more than me- His creator, His King, His Shepard, His source of strength. I was selfishly upset at the thought of my husband starting off his day with God rather than gazing into my eyes all googly and newly-marriedly- like.  Trust me- we do plenty of this as newly-weds, so skipping this routine, which usually takes place during the groggy moments of pressing our snooze button, would really be alright.  I could have joined him in pursuit of the Lord that morning, but somehow I thought throwing a pity party was a better idea.