Happy Girl

There’s no other way to say it.  I’m just so happy I could BURST ya’ll!  If you’re one of those peeps who knows me REALLY well, then you know its been a real fight to experience some solid joy over the past five months due to some circumstancial meltdowns in my life.  And that is REALLY a long story made short.  Perhaps the long story will make its way to the blog soon.   For now,  clap your hands with me and REJOICE in God’s faithfulness!  OH how GOOD he is!!

WANT TO KNOW WHY??

His mercy.  His steadfast love.  The way He does what is IMPOSSIBLE and CHANGES me!  Oh yea, AND He just created me to LOVE music and to be stirred to love Him more through it.  Amen!  I am doing something that stirs my affections for God more than any other thing in my life!  I have been writing so much music my apartment could explode with lyrics that NEVER could have been produced had the Lord not taken me through some of life’s greatest challenges I’ve yet experienced at this ripe age of twenty-four.  I am recording some songs that are undoubtedly the most raw, human, and soulful songs my heart has ever written.  Who would have imagined I’d have to fall on my face SO many times to write from such a raw, real and vulnerable place in me?  Seeing God carry me through so much askjkfjasdnfkasmfakmkaj…. thats just what it feels like to describe the past year of my life… is just unspeakably satisfying and amazing.  And it is SO worth singing about.

I bet my entire life on the belief that Jesus Christ offers the MOST freedom and joy that can be found above ANY other thing on the face of this earth.  The reality of how he holds me, loves me, and does not condemn me is just bouncing around in my soul.  I long for others to feel this total unabandoned love.

Tonight, I say to you, whoever you are, my dear reader, my fellow seeker of happiness in life, that Jesus Christ is worth surrendering to.  He is worth CRYING to and POURING OUT YOUR HEART TO.  No matter HOW old you are.  No matter WHAT you are going through. He doesn’t want a “better” you.  He just wants the REAL you.

Oh, my friend.  Do not lose heart.  Don’t give up.  Don’t worry about being better.  Just allow yourself to be honest and real, allow yourself to cry.  Allow yourself to be held and welcomed in the reality of Jesus.  Don’t lose another second of enjoying this MERCIFUL, GENTLE, PATIENT God!!  (no, I promise this isn’t a thirty second “sticker for Jesus” advertisement.)  This is the most sincere way I can think of loving you.  Its like sharing my lottery money with everyone I know.  But its better!  Its the real, true and alive God who is in a deeply intimate relationship with His beloved children.

I am going to figure out a way to post one of my songs to this blog in the near future…

I’ll let you have a listen soon.

Whatever you LOVE doing the most, seriously, take a day off of being an American who gets TOO many things done and then still has more to do and…  remember what that one lost passion is.  Just do what you LOVE doing more than anything else… chances are God has given YOU a passion that stirs your heart to love him more too… and chances are that He wants to USE this wisely designed gift of yours for His kingdom… you think?  I think God is a dreamer WAY more than we earthly folk are.

So what plans can you cancel in order to creatively worship God?

Or if your the planner type, what can you pencil in somewhere in the midst of it all to get some affections for God flowing?

Don’t be afraid to ask God to show you what you love.  But mostly, don’t be afraid to BE loved.  To fall and to be held.  This is where we begin to rise into the person that God has created us to be.  What if we could be what God intended us to be to the fullest?  Not in an obsessed with productivity way, but in an obsessed with BEING way… to just BE!  aaa… that sounds nice.

To rest in a deeply contented, satisfied identity in Christ.  Yes, God, make this real for me and for all who seek you!

We’ll Learn to Walk After We Learn to Crawl

Whew!  We’re surviving!  Three and a half months of marriage and the lens of which I see the world through continues to get bigger and bigger.  Why?  Because I am seeing that something that I thought was all about myself and my longings being fulfilled is about something much bigger and broader than myself and the little world in which I live.

So the first month of marriage was equally blissful as it was challenging.  If I could freeze month three, I would!  It is filled with God’s grace and blessings beyond what I thought imaginable in temporary human marriage.  Marriage takes work, and the past three months have been the greatest job of my life- getting to know Nick more deeply than any human bond on this earth, exposing myself completely before him, and getting to know my real savior amidst my loneliness, despair, and fear- Jesus Christ.  As I have grown closer to my first best friend, God himself, I have been shed with grace and an outpouring of love and care for my second best friend, Nick.

I never knew how much the simple, yet incredibly complex quest to enjoy God effects everything in my life, especially my marriage. When I don’t enjoy who God is, I don’t enjoy much else in life.  When I enjoy God, I enjoy everything.  I enjoy Nick. I enjoy living life with him.  I feel as though we are both forward positions on a soccer team, assisting each other for the next goal.  Sound cheesy?  Sorry.  Its just that I’m overjoyed after walking through some darker days of confusing goals.  Was I living to achieve perfection in marriage, or was I living to enjoy God with Nick on my team?  If I am honest, I’ll admit that I was living to achieve perfection in a human relationship- and I discovered all over again that its impossible.  With the help of many others, my goal has deviated from its unrealistic-ness into something attainable and even more satisfying- enjoying God!

It really feels like we’re apart of a team that is much bigger than Nick and me.  Its like the soccer ball got punted from the goalie, to the defender, kicked out of bounds, tossed back by a soccer dad, thrown in to the midfielder, passed to the forwards, and the people in our lives are sharing the ball all around, helping each other get to the goal- which I believe to be enjoying God and who He is and what he has given us.  At this very moment, each of us has the great challenge to enjoy God during whatever he has currently given us as a circumstance. For some of us, that’s marriage, for some- singleness, for others- overcoming addiction, and others- a difficult job, etc.  I don’t think we would be experiencing marital bliss in month three without surrounding ourselves with older, married couples on a more-than-weekly basis, otherwise known as the rest of our “team” as described above.

We discuss weekly (and sometimes more-than-weekly) the specifics of how marriage is doing with our marriage couples group.  Sometimes I show up holding Nick’s hand all cloud-nine-ish like and other times I show up in tears because of a big fight we’ve had, and I freely admit: “I’m not doing well” as the tears roll. The point being- we are average people tainted with sin, so we have conflict like every other relationship, and we have to work through it.  Sometimes that means working through emotions, fears, hurtful words, sinful tendencies, and downright anger.

To me, marriage is a fairy tale… but not the kind that you see in Disney movies.  Its better because, as my mom has shared with me, it is something you have to fight for daily.  Its better than the movies because it includes redemption as the main fuel for getting unbelievable joy and satisfaction in our marriage.  That may mean we have to work through hard days, weeks, months, and someday- maybe years- of conflict.  Nick and I are not above any sin in this world, making even the worst of tragedies possible for us.  This is why we have to fight. This is why we need you to fight with us!  Walking in the light and confessing sin honestly and openly with others paves the way for the redemption of the root causes of our arguments and imperfections.  Its what makes us change over time and makes months like month three full of marital bliss!  I am expressing my joy in this moment, while fully aware that month four could bring struggle and pain.  Whatever it brings, I’ll blog about it.  I’ll blog about how its really going and hopefully receive help along the way.

I don’t want it to sound as though marriage is bliss all of the time because if you could live with us day in and day out, you’d hear the arguments, you’d see the way that I hate to be confronted about my downfalls and throw two-year-old-like tantrums in which bobby-pins have been thrown, pillows have been punched, and long walks have been cool-down methods for the short-temperament that I have; you’d see the way Nick can be very concerned about things like getting gas before the tank runs out and planning, and you’d see the inconsistency in my overall life-effectiveness and to-do tasks.  You’d also see that Nick and I are total opposites on the spectrum of personality types… yet we share a common bond of grace from God which unites us so strongly amidst our sin and negative tendencies and makes coming together (otherwise known as: sex) truly a firework of daily sin being forgiven and loving someone though they are not your twin or ultimate being of love.

My sincere apologies if this is moving anyone to uncomfort.  I just wanted to give a real and authentic picture of what month three looks like for this thing called marriage, which God has called us to at this point of our pilgrimage in life.

It is a ride, and we are flying through the twists and turns seeking to have our hands up and open to whatever the Lord shall bring us through to make us more like Him.

Instead of thinking that marriage is about my ultimate and total satisfaction and happiness, I now see how fighting for marriage is what brings the satisfaction and happiness. Through working through our issues and short-comings, we see more of God’s faithfulness, and in turn, marriage is, on October 22, 2008, unspeakably satisfying.  Because we continue to be rescued by God’s grace and the help of others, I am filled with joy beyond words.  The fight will continue… and we’ll invite you through each step.

Month #1 and month #2 felt like incredibly slloooooowww crawling, but I think month three is showing signs of us at least standing up and holding on to something.  Perhaps walking is in sight?

If you have a story of redemption through a difficult trial, I’d love to hear about it!

Tanzania Life Project

My Grandma Katie and Grandpa Jim Vanderheyden are the founders of this organization.  You can donate and be apart of this vision!

Mission Tanzania Life Project is a certified 501(c)(3) charitable organization that is dedicated to helping the poor people of small villages in Tanzania, Africa, to develop a better quality of life, and to reach a point of self sustenance.  Our success comes from empowering the villagers to help themselves, providing experienced mentors to educate and work cooperatively with them and keep the size of our projects within the means of our support.

Visit the website for more information…

http://www.tanzanialifeproject.org/