Robbed of Joy

I’m going to re-evaluate some patterns in my life because some of them completely rob me of joy.  I hate when I lose all perspective and wallow in the reality of lost joy- when I know that all the while I watched my joy get robbed- there was a way out.  There is always a way out.  Yet, sadly, for me, that’s the path least taken.

The voice of the joy stealer sounds so inviting, so illusive, so captivating.  I hear it in my snooze button, I feel it in the fatigue right when my work day is over, when I get on the internet and begin surfing the web for completely unimportant reasons, when I cancel plans with someone because I’m tired, when I walk around defining myself by how skinny or fat I feel, when I ignore piles of laundry and my unclean apartment, when I scarf down dessert like I just won a vacation to Hawaii, when I begin to justify myself for my wrongdoings with my “right” doings, when I don’t make to-do lists, plan ahead or set goals, when I feel jealous of someone else’s cute hair or cute outfit, when I compare myself to others rather than LOVE others, when I feel better or worse than someone else, when I go to Target and unconsciously wander into the clothing section and discover that I suddenly need a whole new wardrobe, when I go to church and criticize the worship music selected, when I leave social gatherings and let my emotions run wild with despair and self-evaluation, when I just plain ignore the truth and dive into a big fat sparkling pool of LIES.

This is the joy stealer.  He comes in the form of chocolate cake, snooze buttons, waking up late and not showering, comparison, self-righteousness, laziness, apathy, being ruled by the gloom of February.  Ugh.  So much joy is robbed from my life because I get enticed by these things that seem temporarily good and fulfilling.  Yesterday, the snooze button left me caving in to the belief that it would lead me to having a great day, but when that small little nearly unconscious action lead to a day of mayhem, fatigue, and no shower, I lived in a cloudy fog, took a nap, canceled working out, made dinner, skipped the student event, read, and went to bed.  All of my original plans failed because of one small action in the wee morning hours.  When all was said and done, I went to turn my light off at night and felt… robbed.  What a mediocre day.

I felt… zero joy.  Oh the snooze button sounded like my best friend at 6am… until it was 7:30 and I had 15 minutes to throw my hair back grab a bagel and stuff something in my bag for lunch while frantically yelling to Nick, “Where’s my phone? Where’s my keys? Where’s my brain?  Do you want an apple?  I said, DO YOU WANT AN APPLE?  WE HAVE TO GO!!”  Then, the ride to work consists of me feeling train-wrecked, angry, exhausted, unprepared, and mad at myself for becoming a barking wife at my husband.  ALL BECAUSE OF THE SNOOZE BUTTON!

This doesn’t happen every day.  But its happened enough, where I feel myself turning all barky and beasty, that I have GOT to put an end to it.  The snooze button has controlled me for too long.  That one small little joy stealer breeds so much other joy robbing throughout my day.  The sad thing is that the moment I wake up, God is offering me more joy than I can imagine, yet I trade in the diamonds for nasty, smelly, ugly I don’t know… old tennis shoes.  That’s what its like to describe being robbed of joy.  I cannot give in anymore!

I’m not going to talk about being robbed of joy as if something outside of my control came to rob me in the middle of the night.  Actually, the joy that is robbed is a result of something within me, Jesus says.  (Mark 7: 20-23) And He said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him.  For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness.  All these things come from within, and they defile a person.”

It is my heart that defiles me and robs me of joy.  Because I choose to follow its sinful desires rather than to take God up on His life-giving opportunities, I rob myself.  I often have a vision of my day- a perfect picture of doing all these things to glorify God, like cleaning up, showering, exercising, getting together with friends, writing, singing and recording songs, and then the end of the day rolls around, and one word comes to mind: wasted.  I wasted so many opportunities.  Yet, my heart’s desire was to have this great productive day, but I traded in an hour more of sleep for A TERRIBLE DAY.  Was the sleep worth it?  Um, no.

God is so good that he uses the greatest missionary to ever have lived- the Apostle Paul- to help us identify with.  Though He carried out God’s commandment to the fullest, He was human and confesses in Romans 7, “For I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing…Wretched man that I am!  Who will save me from the body of death?  Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

If I could add some specifics into that verse, I would say, “For I do not wake up on time, but I press my snooze button and wake up late.  I have the desire to stop pressing my snooze button, but not the ability to carry it out.  For I do not wake up when I know it will be good for me, but the evil of pressing my snooze button is what I keep on doing!”

I know this sounds ridiculous, but sleeping is currently my biggest problem and my biggest idol.  It is causing all the problems in my life.

How sweet is God to speak His truth to us through ordinary, uneducated and sinful people throughout the bible.  He is so merciful to us.  I love that God uses these ordinary characters instead of just telling a story of a bunch of perfect people. Because let’s be honest.  We’re not.  And if we had to read a story that read, “And then the Lord spoke: “All hail, my perfect earthly villans!  Thou shalt only receive my love if thou livest a perfect life!” We’d probably rather chuck it out the window or flush it down the toilet.

Praise God that is love is not reduced to a cause-effect relationship only based on our mediocre performances, but rather it is infinitely based on His mercy!  We get to read a story about people who ARE sinful.  Being sinful and struggling with self-control is the natural way in which each person thinks and lives.  And yet we get to read about the compassion and mercy that God has for us through Jesus Christ.  He is willing to pay the debt for all our failure through Christ.  I’ve been into saying this a lot lately, so I’ll say it again.  Can I getta Amen?!  God is so wonderful to us.

So, back to robbing.  When I rob myself of joy, my affections for God decline.  I don’t want to talk to Him.  I don’t want to love Him.  In turn, I don’t want to talk to others and I don’t want to love them.  It’s a total domino effect.  When I rob myself of joy, I also rob those around me of joy.

I want my affections for God to increase.  There are a lot of things in my life that stir up my heart to love God more, even simple things like the smell of coffee, listening to Minnesota Public Radio, writing, being outdoors, etc.  But there are a few things that I know would most likely stir up my heart to love God more, but I just don’t do them.

So now is the time to start.  I am going to try to change a few of the sneaky joy-robbers in my life to see if I might truly become a happier, more effective, and joy-radiant person.  I don’t want to feel that I am wasting my life or my time, though I know that God’s grace is enough to pardon all of my joy-robbed days.

I am going to set a few attainable goals to help me as I begin my teaching career next week.

1) Begin winding down for bed at 9pm.

2) Wake up at 5:30am (because I have to leave by 7am)

3) Meet with God in the morning before work.

4) No pressing my snooze button

5) Workout every night after work.

Ok, thats it. Those are the lifesetyle changes that I feel will be necessary if I want to be an effective and awake person throughout my days in the kindergarten classroom.

I know that its easier to type my goals than to attain my goals, so this is in no way going to be easy.

But something has to change in my life, or I’ll feel robbed everyday, and that would just not be pleasant for me, Nick, or anyone around me.

I’ll post about how realistic these goals are once I actually try them.

Buh-Bye snooze button!

My First Real Job

…begins in approximately one week.  I chose to begin marriage nannying because it was counseled to me by our pastor to take a season to slow down, learn how to be married (and I’m still learning!), and re-evaluate everything.  With all of the stress and anxiety pre-wedding, I couldn’t get through marriage counseling without adding to the Mississippi River, so the advice was timely.  There was a definite need for some time to breathe.  After grad school and planning a wedding, its safe to say I was pretty burnt out.  I have spent the last 7 months part-time nannying, writing and recording music, dreaming, praying, spending time with college women, substitute teaching, and writing and studying Matthew, Acts, and Romans… seriously- God just totally blessed me with an amazing season of rest and personal growth as an individual and in marriage.  Coming off of last year, it seriously has felt like emotional rehab.  I think I have fully recovered.  Can I getta Amen?

It is all going to change in one week, but I am ready.  I am anticipating it, excited for how God will use me and teach me.  I will be working as a teaching assistant and a morning program supervisor at Hope Academy, while continuing to hang out with college women in the evenings and weekends.

The reason I have decided to pursue a teaching job is because I have been on the teeter-totter of working as a teacher or working in college ministry for the past few years.  I have subbed at Hope a few times per week this past school year, and this job became available, so I applied for it to see if God would open or close the door.  He opened it, and Nick and I think it would be wise for me to try teaching out.  I know that I love college ministry and would do it full time in a heart beat, but there has always been this draw- this pull towards children and families in the city of Minneapolis.  Since my first time working with them at Hope five years ago, something about working in the city with all of the children stirred my affections for Jesus.

Here I am, this blonde girl from the suburbs sliding in the dirt, falling off of playgrounds playing with children, talking to them about their lives, praying with them- and my affections for God just shot through the roof!  I have climbed the ladder from volunteer to substitute teacher to teaching assistant.  I guess we’ll see what’s next!  It was funny because the Hope administration staff said that if they could describe me in one word in my interview it would be: persistent.   I guess they are right.

As long as this door is open, I am going to go for it.  I am going to be working with a wonderful woman in a kindergarten classroom, so I am bracing myself for lots of colored paper, singing songs, and sheparding the hearts of these young children.  I am grateful to have so many teacher friends to learn from.

My experience subbing for middle school has been really challenging, but so rewarding.  My favorite part is when a student is being rude or disrespectful (sounds weird, I know).  This provides an amazing opportunity to get a little deeper with my young friends.  I often sternly tell him/her  to come into the hall with me.  They walk with me, usually looking really afraid of losing a privilege or getting detention… but then I change my tone quickly.  I calmly tell them how much I love having them in my class and how much I want them to be there.  I tell them that I don’t appreciate being disrespected and ask them to change their demeanor.  I am also able to ask, “How’s your day going?  Do you want to talk about anything?”  I have had some great one-on-ones with some young women because of our little hall chats.  After one second chance (and they all know this)- it’s a detention.  Boo.  I hate giving detentions.

Today, I did something a little different in my fun fitness class.  During the free activity time, I asked all of the girls to come sit and talk with me.  Here’s a visual of the racial diversity:  Two latino girls to my left and four African American girls on my right.  And then me.  White, blonde, born-and-raised-in-the-suburbs-me.  I moved past barriers as we formed a small, intimate circle.  The reason I did this is because I desire to know them.  I can’t effectively teach them- or reach them- if I don’t know them.  And I will not let racial barriers or cultural backgrounds get in the way.  God created all of us and put us on this earth, and though we have miles to go to understanding each others’ cultural influences, we must try.

I took this time to ask them how their days were, how old they were, what grades they were in.  Here is what I learned:  Their favorite musical artists, their desire to get their learners’ permits, how their days were going, the ups and downs, the difficulties they are having in school, what they want to study in college, some phrases they say, etc.  We laughed as I tried to say some of the phrases they say and as I told them about my experience of driving my parents’ car into the wall in my garage when I first got my permit.  It was definitely girl talk.  Which I thought was ok considering I was substitute teaching for the after school extracurricular program.

It was a stepping stone to understanding who they are and what influences them.  This is key to understanding how to teach them.

So my first real job… is in kindergarten and not middle school, but either way, I am eager to learn and watch other teachers show me how to teach in the inner city of Minneapolis.  I confess I feel inadequate, but I believe that God is going to develop me through this process.  He’s going to show me what it takes to love and help these children and young adults. The funny thing is that I often feel like a child myself.

Just because there’s a ring on my finger and I’m working out of college doesn’t mean I’m all grown up.  I am certain that God is giving me this job to reveal to me all the areas that I need to grow in.  I know it wont be easy, but God never promised me easy.

He promised to be with me.